Traci's Daily Thoughts

2011-03-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

So it has been a long time since I wrote, I may not even have it in me anymore. Life has been chaos, on September 1 of last year Granny living with us and her son needing to take care of her, she is his only child became just too much for me to handle so I moved out. James was left to take care of her alone and figure out what to do. Needless to say there have been a few million hurts along the way. In October our precious boys were in a car accident that should have claimed their lives but the one constant that always remains is God is always there he circled angels around them and they climb safely up the 75 foot embankment they rolled down. Oh Nicc had to have 12 stitches in his head and Collin was bruised but for the most part they are simply as they always have been my precious miracles.

Now I will say caring for an aging parent could be tough on any marriage but one that had been plagued with as much as James and I have been through over the last few years, it really took its toll. James struggles to balance his mothers care even though he has placed her in assisted living and I struggle to find myself after the torment and fear I lived in. Collin is an amazing kid who seems to withstand it all, NIcc at the critical age of becoming a man has endured some deep hurts. We are working on them to help him heal. I wish this was one of my stories of triumph but it is a story of finding my way back to God. As I listened to music from BIG STUFF a camp I attended 2 years in a row with my sons youth group I began to see some clarity. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know where this part of my journey where lead me but I do know I have to find my way back to the cross and that I do believe that God is my Healer. Just love those songs. I also realize that I carry deep emotional scars from when I was 17 and started making bad choices, which I layered with lies to keep hidden from the world. When Success came my way I flourished in it and lapped it up like a dog drinking water, I praised God but when He took it from me, I never understood then move any mom in with you and hey things might get a little tricky. There are alot of rumors or versions of the story floating around out there but let me tell you all this, there is blame on many and forgiveness awaits. I ask that those who once rallied around us do so again through your prayers, God can move mountains and I don't know which ones he will move but the first one I pray is swift and quick reuniting of Nicc and James. They were best friends and love each other so much its hard watching them try to find their way home. As for me just pray for me to hear God clearly and to the next right thing. Oh and I pray for each of you to lift James up in healing of his back he has been unable to work for over a year and for his mom, for her peace.

God Bless you all!

Letting go

2010-06-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged again in a while, we have been very busy. My mother-in-law moved in with us in March and the beginning of the discovery of a deceitful disease called Dementia and Alzheimer’s began. I can't tell you the hours we spent thinking that at 71 she was just a very stubborn woman that only wanted things her way, doctors told us she scored low and definitely had Dementia, later after MRI's we were given proof that significant changes were occurring in her brain and Alzheimer’s was present. Call it denial if you will, but we just believed that she could understand and if we talked long enough even arguing at times we could help her understand that she was making decisions that did not make sense. We began construction on our house to build her a mother-in-law suite believing all along that while she needed help she would get better. Doctor after doctor we sought an answer. First, the neurologist, then a new family physician, a psychological evaluation, and finally a Geriatric counselor and the result, no matter what I promised her, she will only get worse, there is no miracle treatment and whether next week or next year eventually she will have no memory of us. Through out the months we have laughed and shaken our heads at her reasoning and my husband has begged his mother saying "I just want my mom back", then the shock, the acceptance that his mother, the woman he knew, who loved him, trusted him and raised the father of my children, the gentle man who can with his sincerity and gentle spirit and diffuse any heated situation was becoming angry and resentful. I watched his eyes yesterday as I saw the understanding sweep over him, his mother, the mom he loved, who taught him to fish, and helped him rebuild engines on cars, the mother who taught him loyalty and honesty, the woman that he trusted with his entire life to hold his secrets, the mother who gave him life was gone. Gone without being dead, her mind slipping away and for whatever reason no matter how many prayers, how many prayers of healing how much it was claimed her path for the rest of her journey on this earth would include a slow progression of disease that would turn this wonderful servant of the lord into a woman who would be distrusting, full of worry and who will eventually forget the son she fought to bring into the world. The reality shook me to my soul and I fell apart when he needed me most, I was faced with breaking promises to her, we can not care for her and our children, and support ourselves yet I promised her no nursing homes, But she deserves peace, and to be loved and to get the best care possible and accepting that we are not capable of providing the care she needs. So here I sit after a long night of tears and prayers, and I wonder how we let go and today she is the sweet gentle spirit that she once was but when life throws a curve ball and something complex face her it can change as easily as turning off a light switch. We agree she needs 24 hour care and we can't give her that but how many days we will miss of her being her but how many heartaches will we miss by getting her the care she deserves. There are no easy answers, Just the promise of Eternity where her mind will be restored, on streets pave of Gold where she will one day be restored and her prayers answered and standing in the glory of our Savior she will walk into the arms of the man she loved her whole life, and all her pain and torment of a mind that failed her will be forgotten and some how I think they will sit on the banks of the most picturesque "fishing hole" her and her sweetie and he and his "Jesus girl" loving like all the days before, and they will pass the time in love and happiness until the day Jesus calls us all home and we are once again a family. Until then, we find peace in the promise of eternity! God Bless

2010-05-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

The dicitionary defines a grandmother as " a female grandparent" but that doesn't quite define the role many grandmothers play in our lives. I lost my grandmother this week and all I can think of is all she stood for, who she was and the gifts she gave. She gave all of her grandchildren two incredible gifts one she gave us the foundation we needed for a personal relationship with our Savior and then she gave us our grandfather and beloved Papa! Togther they provided refuge from the lives we lived. She was a nurse in her soul to her core and while she could band aid our scrapes, or pack a wound she longed to heal our souls. She was a strong and firm almost intolerable at times in her expectations of us. Truth was golden and even if you thought you might have shielded her from the wrongs in your life her discernement was so finely tuned she knew, she knew our hearts, she knew our lives. She like every woman who walks this earth was far from perfect. She lived with one dream her deepest desire to see he children and grandchildren love one another and find peace. My Kackau was a professsional to her core and my greatest honor was working along side her at Guadalupe Valley hospital now Guadalupe Regional. As a candy striper I felt like a superstar because Vera Beyer was my grandmother and when all the candy stripers gathered to eat at a table together I enjoyed lunch with the nurses. I walked the halls knowing that the most incredible nurse was mine personally. Oh she was compassionate but she was firm. As a young teen and young adult she seemed crazy and like her expectations were unattainable but today as a mother she was everything I am. She prayed and when she knew I might not be telling the truth she never let me get away with it, she held me accountable. I heard someone say once she was like a hammer pounding in right and wrong, I too have been called "the Hammer" what an honor to be like her. She was funny too, I recall working at Wuest an old grocery store she dressed p n halloween and scared us all we thought she was a robber, but no it was my grandmother coming to trick or treat me. I never wore s store bought formal she made me beautiful dresses and I never had to worry about anyone else looking like me. When I moved to California and called to tell her I was preganant she flew to see me to celebrate with me and take me on one of her shopping sprees. In High School when I wrecked my car the EMT's knew her well so in the days before cell phones they radioed the hospital and my Kacka and my Papa came to get me. I never missed a trip to church camp or choir tour, I always had shoes on my feet and when I delievered my youngest son she gave up six weeks of her life to pack and care for a wound caused from an infection after my c-section, packing it daily and loving me. SHe taught me how to choose clothes to make me look pretty no matter what size I happened to be. I wish I knew how many teeth she paid to have straigntened or how many wisdom teeth she paid to have pulled. All my memories all my love I remember her telling me sh eloved me even though she never had to play mommy to me because I had one. I remember with tears in my eyes when she told me that my husband James was exactly who GOd wanted me to marry because not only did he ask my parents to marry me he asked her and my Papa if he cold marry me and NIccolas. She taught Niccolas to call James Daddy and no matter how hard she tried James refused to let her pay for the adoption but she loved him even more. She loved my children, she loved me and if I am firm, strong and hold those around me accountable then I learned it from her and that is my greatest honor a treasured gift. She is gone now, but who I am is so much a part of her. In her and Papa's death she gave me my greatest gift of all she gave me a sister, she gave me my best friend through a spiritual bond that can not be broken. She gave me Papa, she gave me accountabiltiy and she gave me my special sister, my friend. If your grandmother is here look to her learn her lessons, see what you want to be like her. I wouldn't change the qualtities of her I carry with me. I wouldnt' change the the joy I saw in her when she knew I was honest and I am proud that the one gift I gave her was my sobriety, her dream for her family. Her love for me understood that my recovery must be protected and she loved me, I know it hurt her when I wasn't around but she wanted me to give her great-grandsons the gift of that life. TO my beautiful grandmother, rest in the arms of Papa and know I have an added angel. We love you!

THE POTTY DANCE!

2010-05-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while again but there are some stories I just have to share! First let me share that my mother-in-law has been living with us for the last couple of months. She was diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimers, OCD, Anxiety, Depression and maybe a few other things. She is as she says "Just an old country woman" raised in a barn, on the farm or the cotton fields, the point is she is not sophisticated but has a sweet heart and Loves the Lord but she can and does provide unexpected entertainment. Tonight was actually CLASSIC.

We live in the country so not much happens but oh not tonight there were sherriffs deputies next door and like good Nosey neighbors we were outside trying to see what was happening. My sweet mother in law laid on my porch which is VERY visible to the neighbors, while my sons and their dad played basketball and I watered to trees and washed off the sidewalk. Of course all of this was just an effort to seem busy I admit thought I was watching all that was going on next door when suddenly my 71 year old mother in law stands up and in her thick accent and not se quiet announces "I have to make potty but I don't want miss anything shhh over there" As she does this she is patting her self and holding her pants jus tlike a toddler the deputies next door are staring straight at us as I stand with a water hose staring at her about to die laughing as she continues to do her jig while grabbing her self repeating she needs to potty all I could think was "DO THE POTTY... DANCE"

I finally got her inside with the promise I would tell her if anything happened while she pottied. As she went into the house I exploded with laughter seriously you cant even make this stuff up! I said a few weeks ago I am the proud mother of a 12,16 and NOW A very Energetic 71 year old! GO ME... and I thought I had no use for the Potty Dance! NOT I like the TWATTY dance though! What a blessing to have innocence around again though because all who have heard the story have enjoyed a much needed laugh! Good night Friends!

2010-02-09T12:30:00.001-08:00

Well, time has slipped away again and here I am wondering where did it go? I wish it was because life has been boring but that would not be the case. I am of course busy as always running kids to tennis, basketball church and trying to rebuild my business, we are trying to sell one of the houses we own in hopes to bring some financial relief our way and then a couple of weeks ago I noticed twitches in my face, hands and feet again. Last week my head hurt and the twitches grew more and more frequent and Saturday by mid day I noticed that I had lost my sense of taste and my tongue felt strange. I said to my husband “It’s happening again” we were on our way to a basketball game but I called my doctor and asked for some prednisone. I woke in the middle of the night Saturday to find paralysis setting in on my right side. My face was drooping and the pains shooting from behind my ear down my right side were pretty fierce. Well today is Tuesday and I have no movement on the right side of my face and my right arm is weak, the pain shoots out from behind my ear and pulses rapidly down my extremities almost matching the sensations I have on my left side except the neuropathy on my left side feels almost more like your hand or foot when it falls asleep and is trying to wake up mixed with shooting nails being fired at random intervals. The pain I can tolerate I hate steroids, I hate the other meds they have me on and I hate the loss of taste. Now let’s think about this I can’t really taste so I am eating everything in sight trying to find something that taste really good. Isn’t that hysterical? I know it is not going to taste the same so why am I searching? The mind is a glorious thing isn’t it? Something else I guess I had forgotten from last time is this how many simple tasks we take for granted, talking for one but being able to pucker my lips for a kiss, brush my teeth, eat without drooling and most importantly smile. I remember last time I was the happiest I had been in a really long time but I couldn’t smile and again I can’t smile at my kids well I can but it looks kind of scary instead of a happy smile. Talking well, I can be quiet for a while I will just write more but smiling I like to smile so in all this my thoughts for you today are don’t hesitate to smile at those you love or even strangers you never know when you might not be able to smile again. A lady smiled and waved at me as we were driving home from the doctor earlier and when I tried to smile back she look in shock and I thought she has no idea, she probably thinks I am one of those road rage people or something, her smile was so noticeable to me because why, because I couldn’t do it myself, something I take for granted and I have lost the ability before but I forgot in just 3 short years how much it means to be able to smile. So Smile my friends! God Bless!

2010-01-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

WOW, it is really 2010! I haven't blogged in a while again and I have missed it. The reason I haven't blogged is I recieved an email that accused me of writing nothing but "self-praise" in both the magazine and here on my blog. For many years I didn't share my stories, and did not come out of the shadows when it came to my writings when I did write. The last few years I have been finding my legs and have been a bit bolder willing to share glimpses into who I really am. I never wanted praise or for people to take it that way so the email really hurt me. I had to step back and think about it. The reality for me and just for me is that the author of the email said many things that were not only hurtful but untrue, they also come from someone who feels they have been hurt by me. It goes back to perception of events part of my past, my present and unfortunately will to some extent be part of my future. I can not change their perception of me or the things they feel I have done to "wrong" or cause harm to them. I can't even blame the author for the things that were said or harbor any ill feelings toward the author because it is their reality, their perception of events, right or wrong they own their own feelings and I own mine. I don't want credit for the stories I tell, in fact I believe that most sane people would keep much of what I share close and not broadcast it to the world but over the last decade God has been teaching me and showing me what he wants from me, and part of my obedience is to share my stories, and not what I did but what he did. God is the one who deserves the praise, not me. The only thing I have ever done is when I run out of ME OPTIONS I surrender and he performs miracles. I am not anything but a woman who loves her Savior and is blessed to know him, and thankful for his grace in my life and I want to share what he has done in my life because he has asked me too. So I will began pounding away on the keyboard again, and I will share writings from my heart and I will continue to expose my flaws, my defects and HIS AMAZING GRACE in my life. Be Blessed and Happy New Year!

2009-12-19T07:47:00.000-08:00

I am breathing so much easier this morning! It’s a funny thing how I know the answer is always there, I know God holds the future and yet I struggle to trust. A friend of mine told me earlier this year that when I feel like that I need to walk around repeating over and over in my head "I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus." I have employed that many times, I do trust in my heart but my mind gets in the way, thinking of all the things that could go wrong, all the people I have to make happy, everyone depending on me and I want to know I can live up to that; a daunting task to say the least to put that much pressure on myself. Well, like every time I worry GOD performs his miracles and I am blown away by his mercy, his grace and how he works.

The latest edition of the magazine is out and it also premieres the newest publication as a flip cover, which I thought was this great idea which ultimately it was however it came with its own set of trials. When it was finally delivered by air cargo because of missed deadlines, my nerves were all but shot waiting to see the finished product. My printers press broke which meant we had to use a different machine, my cover printed very poorly and the cover model looked as if she was translucent on the glossier paper, we switched out covers. The issue looked great but of course there were or are a few unsatisfied clients out there. This is where I am not a good business woman because I want everyone happy. I struggle with making business decisions and facing dissatisfied clients. I literally lose sleep over it. So yesterday the original cover model was quite upset, I was with my kids and unable to deal with the situation and I got very upset when I heard this voice "Do you trust me?" Which I had to reply "Yes Jesus I do", I have to trust that the decisions we made were the right ones because we don’t do anything personally or professionally without talking it over with the man upstairs but with all the knowledge and experiences I wonder why do I doubt? It is so hard to admit that I doubt but I do. I believe in my father in Heaven, I do trust him but yet I don't because I let the world get in the way, I let life get in the way. My mother-in-law is almost 70 and when the world gets too much and she doesn't trust what she is doing she will literally go to bed until she KNOWS what GOD wants her to do. I have known her to not answer the phone, or come out of her room for a couple of days as she goes into a time of fasting and prayer. Sometimes I wish I could do that but I can't, with kids, a husband and a business, so I get to just pray and be Blessed that GOD knows my heart and that he continues to work on me and show me how he handles things. It makes me think about my own kids and how I have experienced exactly what they are going through but they don't get that I have the answer so I have to wait for them to get it; I guess that’s exactly how God feels!

Be Blessed and remember when all else fails repeat "I trust you Jesus" over and over it does help!

2009-12-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas, a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, a time exchange gifts, a time see family and friends. Oh what joy, right? Every year I notice one thing, how many of my friends are stressed out not just because they blew their Christmas budget but because of family issues. Everyone has that crazy great aunt but more and more and I hear stories about mother-in-laws, parents, siblings and I wonder is it just the Holidays? In my family the Holidays have nothing to do with it. I remember my whole life dreaming of one thing a peaceful Christmas with my family. Last year I shared my favorite Christmas story in a column I write for the magazine and every year I remember that Christmas, one gift was all I received but there was no fighting with anyone. There might have been because I don't remember actually visiting with any extended family, I just remember my mom, dad and baby brother, we could barely eat that year and yet it was and still is my favorite memory.

As a child it was almost like we were on a rotation as to who my parents were mad at, most of the time it was my mother "hurt" and angry by her mother and she competed with her brother for her mothers favor. There were the years though that the conflict would occur between my parents and my dads family, this was always worse because it got very HEATED. I always believed it was everyone else’s fault for hurting my mom, my dad always stood up for my mom and his temper would fly and there would begin the period of "we are not talking to them, and you can't see them". As an adult these patterns never changed, and the incidents have not been confined to just Holidays. It is always a choice my mom or anyone else. It is exhausting, it might be easier to just tolerate the insanity if there was not this invisible layer of competition; my mother competes and you don’t even know the game has started. For me she competes for my children’s attention, she competes for my dad’s attention and fights for my dad to choose her and my brother over me and my family. It is insanity the holidays intensify it and most years I just want to be sick because I know that the Holidays mean a choice, do it mom’s way or face ugly emails, phone calls and now text messages (I still can't believe my mother learned to text). For years we engaged in the behavior while I believed it was my fault, well part of it was, I honestly did not know how to not engage in the insanity but over the last 10 years I have learned that these things are not healthy, for my own children. My brother is an addict who has been in and out of jail and when he is around life is all about him. Now you may read some jealousy in that, I have really looked at that emotion, I don't know that it is jealousy, I do know it is disappointment. He is a violent, scary young man when he is drinking and he refuses to be in my home without alcohol and I refuse to be around him period is he is drinking or using. My mother cries and begs and then gets angry that he has never had the opportunities I have had, he has struggled his whole life because he is Dyslexia and I am stronger, more capable and I need to just le them find his way. I do let him do his own thing, just not around me.

I struggle with this, I pray over this, my heart hurts and Christmas makes me ill, but not this year because there is no question if we will see my parents and my brother, we wont. We won't see them because I set boundaries or as they interpret ultimatums. There will be no fighting, there will be no drinking and no one outside of my home has been able to agree to that this last year so Christmas is coming and no matter how many gifts are under the tree, I look forward to the peace. I used to struggle with that, I felt as if I was committing some kind of betrayal by not wishing to be with my family but Through tons of prayer I finally accepted that my mother gets to be a mom to her son and I get to respect her decisions and choices regarding him even though he is 28 he has never lived away from home except when he was in jail, and I get to be a mom and pray that she can respect my choices. It is a tough a conflicting place to be. I searched for years for the right answer in the Bible, "honor thy mother and Father" and "turn the other cheek" blew my mind. Well finally I was just relieved of the burden of trying to please my mother and filled with the overwhelming sense of need to honor my Heavenly Father and my children, it became an incredible sense of urgency to recreate my family, to protect my children and to show them what a family should look like. I struggled with the fact that it seems that most families have some level of dysfunction but I finally just like everything else had to surrender al of it, if I didn't I was going to pass the family tradition of Fighting, manipulation and anger onto my children instead of a sense of peace, love and joy. This Christmas we look forward to celebrating the REASON for the SEASON. I look forward to peace and contentment, I look forward to indulging in the experience of watching my children not be the pawns in a strategic game and I look forward to knowing my husband does not have to push down his feelings and "suck it up" for me. All families can make us a little crazy but for some of us its a personal journey where you and God alone come to a choice, I really don’t know if there is any right answer, I truly believe it is in surrender, truly believe it is up to God, and our ability to hear him. I think for years he was nudging me to make changes and I wouldn't do it, instead I continued adding to the "bad memories. Now I work building GODLY beautiful spiritual moments centered on the reason for Christmas not the tangible or the materialism, not on someone else emotions. Some may say it selfish, I say its obedience.

Give any turmoil, resentment, hurt, anger or impending Holiday gathering that may be separating you from fully enjoying the season to GOD. Experience Christmas this year free from old feelings, Let it Go, GOD is waiting! Be Blessed

2009-12-10T05:42:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and launched into prayer, I really want God to answer me but I realized I want him to answer me a certain way so I have to let go and let him do his thing which I have no doubt he will do. I jsut have to be ready when he shows me. It made me think of part of my journey that led me here, part of my story, I thought I would share it this morning.

On January 23, 2007 I woke up and I felt bad, I didn't really have a fever I wasn't really achy I just felt bad, you know those days, the days you want to just climb in bed. My body felt heavier then usual, My head was clouded and no I did not have a hangover, it had already been some time since I had a Drink. So I forced myself to get dressed and head to work. I had been having some helath issues since summer, but today was just different. I was tired, foggy and my tongue felt like I had burned it, my left arm had started to ache. I was driving to work on the highway when my left side began having shooting pains and spasms, my eye twitched but it did it constantly and my toes were twitching, my arm and leg had shooting pains starting in my head shooting down my leg into the twitching little toes. I was bewildered and reached for my drink, my trusted 44 oz Diet coke (I am never without one, LOL) I could not form my lips around my straw and I realized my face was numb. Now I did not say oh WOW this is going ot be fun, NO I FREAKED, I calle dinto work and when I couldn't talk I began to CRY which seemed to make the pains and the loss of feeling in my left side grow worse. By 10 am I could not move my leg, my arm, eat, talk or close my eyes. I quickly learned that the ability to close your and open your eyes in not a sign of a stroke which I was convinced I was having until the neurologist pointed this out. So what was wrong with me? The search was on to find a diagnosis while I suffered with a foot that felt like it was waking up (EXCRUCIATING after 3 or 4 hours), a hand and arm that barely moved when I told it too, my face looked like I had had a stroke, my eyes had to be taped shut to sleep, and I had terrible shooting pains... DAYS like this, I could not talk, I could not smile I literally had to learn to wait, I also remember being happy, wanting to laugh and smile and not being able to do it. I promised myself then that if I EVER GOT TO SMILE again I would do it all the time, and often I forget that sometimes. I eventually recovered and discovered the culprits behind my health issues but I often say that was truly the beggining of GOD getting my attention, I couldn't talk, walk or BALK at anything so it was me and GOD, my silent prayers and his MORE Then SILENT answers. He began working in me and I really let him... So I have to wait for GOD to answer ... I can't push it... I can't make it happen... So I pray and I wait... I love it, I love that MY GOD teaches me, but more then anything I love when I can say "oh yeah I have been here before, ok I know what I am supposed to do, Give it to GOD, Pray, TRUST in HIM and wait, He has the future!

2009-12-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

My last blog entry actually spurred quite a few comments. To those of you who said I was courageous, thank you but I am not, I am truly just ebing obedient. God is so good, so Faithful that my stories, my choices and the mistakes I made are forgiven, I sitll have hope and the promise of Eternity. I have this pretty incredible story, a journey through life and while it would be easy to keep it all to myself I would not be doing what God has called me to do. My life would be in vain and that I do not want, My past is like madals of honor I earned in battle or badges earned in service. I am who I am, I have the most incredible love because of the journey I have. Someone asked me if I would go back and change it, my past and the answer is no, sure there is a part of me that would love to take the hurts I have caused others away but for me personally I would never change it, I wouldn't know what its like to be rescued. I would not have exerienced peeling away reality and falling in Love with my Savior and then experienicng the absolute love of a spouse, I would have missed teaching my children about forgiveness, judgements and unconditional love. If you asked my family you would be shocked at their answer because not one of them would trade the things that happened if it meant that anything about who we are now as a family changed. The boys will tell you already that they have learned what honesty looks like, they know what it means to be accountable for ones actions and they are incredible young men. A friend told me when I started on this journey to restoring the things I thought destroyed she said "You get to be the one to show them what truth looks like" and I have tried everyday to do just that. I would not change a single moment because honestly I can understand women, their hurts, their fears and their hearts because of my journey. I serve a eternal GOD that loves me and he can make anything beautiful and that makes me want to shout from the rooftops!

BE BLESSED!

2009-12-06T02:52:00.000-08:00

Today marks a very special day in my life and that of my families. Just three years ago, I was working in corporate America, starting a magazine and fighting God with everything I had. I was convinced that while I knew God was good, faithful, amazing and loving that he was all of those things for the rest of the world; for me I honestly believed I had become the dead forgotten seed. I was a woman who lived in the uncomfortable shell of her own skin, everything I once thought to be true and real about myself was being questioned. I hated myself and believed that God could not forgive me or more like he shouldn't forgive, I believed in my heart that I didn't deserve his forgiveness. I hadn't murdered anyone, stolen or been that terrible but what I had done was after spending a lifetime believing in God, and standing up for what he wanted, I had somewhere through the events of my life said OK I am going to do it my way! I took control of my life but God continued to put amazing people and opportunities in my life, I continued to control them, I grew angry and resentful, bitter and hurtful, I masqueraded through life being whoever I could be to accomplish what I felt I needed to get on the next step of the ladder so to speak. I look back and see God was at work the whole time. About the time I really decided to do it all my way, I took a job in corporate America and there I would work alongside a childhood friend, someone strategically put in my life to remind me of who God had groomed me to be. My friend was someone I shared highly spiritual GOD moving life changing experiences with through our youth group, a constant reminder of who I once was. I tried to pretend but I also liked the new freer side of me, the one who made choices, went out and had a good time. I was whoever you wanted me to be in order to better myself, I was a mom, a wife, a "party girl", a friend, "a party girl", I was everything I thought I ever wanted to be except I was miserable. I weighed just under 300 pounds, I longed for attention, I thrived on picking fights, I pushed my husband away, I prided myself on balancing the never ending lie, I could manage the "good mom" role with "Party girl", I could balance Church girl, with the inevitable late nights, I was an actress, I was playing the part of what ever I directed, I was full of unhealthy thoughts, emotions and most of all I hated myself. I didn't like the reflection that I saw in the mirror and it was always someone else fault, If only he would be nicer, If only they would pay me more money, If only they could see how hard I am trying, If only, if only, if only. The truth was if only I would let God have control again, If only I would surrender my bitterness, my disgust with my self, my selfishness, if only I could find the strength to be honest... PRAISE God I called out to him in a sea of utter hopelessness, half expecting him to say NO you have used up your chances and you are cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven forever... That is not the kind of God we serve, he is loving, forgiving and with open arms he let me fall into him, and God himself picked me up, as I kept my eyes on him he began to rebuild and restore my life. I went to work on me with his help, we peeled back the layers of bitterness, hurt and anger, we looked at my sins, and worked to find ways to ask those I had harmed for forgiveness, I lost weight, I look completely different then I did three years ago, I feel different. Now I cant say that all has been perfect and if you read my blog you know that would be a lie if I even attempted to claim such insanity, but what the last three years have been is this, they have been real, some of the things my family and I have endured are a direct result of those years I pushed God away but I have seen his hand at work in each every circumstance, Some of the events and situations have been God literally cleaning up the mess I had made of my life and that can be painful, what he did do is give me a voice to share my story with others, he has restored my marriage to a place I never even dreamed hearts could love so much, he has given me incredible relationships with my children and he has shown me the meaning of true friendships, he has shown me love, grace and that ultimate freedom is found under his law, being obedient to him and him alone. Life is very different then it was three years ago, it is better, it is joyful. Times are hard, there is so much that is left that I do not know, so much that I am not in control of, more then I could even recount here, I have no idea what tomorrow holds but i do know that he my GOD holds tomorrow and he will provide for me exactly what I need when I need it.

Don't ever let satan steal your joy, your hope your belief in God, don't let him lie to you and tell you that you are the one, the one person that God could not forgive, because that is just his game, I believed that because I knew a personal relationship with my LORD JESUS CHRIST that I was not forgiveable, because I was accountable but the truth is, I was already forgiven, he was just waiting for me to come home, just like the story of the prodigal son, just like any parent that loves their child, no matter how many tears, they shed or angry words are said they are just waiting for their child to come, God is doing the same with us. There is absolutely no mess to big that God can't clean up, there is not a single act on earth that he cant forgive, there is not a single relationship that he can't restore, and their is not a hole big enough that he cant fill, he is just waiting on you so whatever you battle, whatever your hurts are, whatever you think is separating you from the Love of God, give it to him he wants it, the only thing that truly separates us from our Heavenly Father is our own self will, once we surrender we get to bask in the glory of his love, his forgiveness and his ultimate GRACE. Surrender today. GOD BLESS YOU!

2009-12-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

So in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping and the only creature that is stirring is me, crazy things happen, like I get work done in the quiet, I get inspiration and God Speaks so loud sometimes I am afraid he may wake up the house. IT is a great time of day or night for me, I love it, I sleep these days so my all-nighters are reserved for right before going to print, deadlines and nights when I just want to write all night. Last night I did it all, I designed, I wrote and I did get inspired, I laughed at myself, I prayed for people I don't even know but most of all I finally did something I have been meaning to do most of my adult life; I read about Literary agents, the pros and cons, what publishers are looking for in a book and how to get a book deal. Funny huh, I own a magazine so I am apublisher, I am the Editor in Chief so I am a Editor, I handle media buys and have even sought publishing for clients so in some ways I am an agent but I don't know how to get a book deal, how to get a book published or where the starting line is, well come to find out I am past the starting line because Don't laugh but I publish myself so I am a considered accomplished. That made me laugh really made me laugh like almost on the floor rolling iwth laughter. I write from my heart and share my life with everyone, so I am not quite sure how that makes me accomplished but according to some site I am So, the point is over the last few years i have written more and more, I have written manuscrips anything from fiction, to inspirational, murder and mystery, non-fiction regarding topics I am both passionate about and not so passionate about. The biggest thing an agent does is keep 15% of your earnings, ok fine by me. Everyone tells me I should write a book, just a book of stories of real events that have happened in my life they have all the elements, laughter, sadness, hapiiness, loss, survival, acceptance, forgiveness, rebuilding, quirky friends, quirkier family members and me; funny. So anyway I did it, I let God nudge me right into reading about it, looking it up and thinking about. Now what to do with the information well that is the true topic for day, what do we do with information once God gives it to us? I have a terrible habit of storing it away, like maybe I will go on a gameshow someday and win a million dollars because I know a little about a WHOLE BIG ENOURMOUS amount of STUFF! LOL So, take me if you go on a gameshow except singing bee, take one of my other friends Crissy, Kristi or call my husbands daughter cuz I CAN't sing unless its with Jackie, ok lost track of myself for a moment there, now remember I have been up all night (wink, wink). So now I have the information, what do I do with it? Like most things I want to put it up on the shelf and wait until GOD knocks me right in the NOGGIN because that way I am sure it is him and not me, with some secret desire to be famous that I am not aware of (I actually don;t want to be famous I had a stalker last year, yeah no fun) so the point is what do we do with the information God gives us and how do we know when its him and not us. Well, for me its usually GOD loud and CLear when I am fighting it, telling him no, why would I tell GOd no if it wasn't him, why would I tell God no anyway, I think I like to be smacked down, because I ALWAYS do it. There are those who claim I am crazy, and I would have to agree in this case crazy because I usually know what he wants but I keep waiting for his will and my will to match up. Too bad he is always waiting on me to figure it out. Like with our children, you know those moments when they keep doing something over and over and over and over again because they dont get it yet and you have to let them fall so they will get it, well thats what God is doing with us, he is waiting for us to decide that his will and our will are the same not his will becoming my will but my will being his will, man that was a mouthful. Improtant lessons. So Today I actually am going to ask you to do something for me, IF you read this pray for me, to know what Gods will is, what the next step is supposed to be and that my will is the same as his will, and since we all probaly agree that my will is different then lets just pray that I accept his will in my life, embrace, celebrate it and use the information to GLORIFY him and HIS KINGDOM! GOD BLESS YOU ALL... 24 days till CHRISTMAS... UGH

2009-11-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

No one can really prepare us for those uncomfortable moments in life, the moments that if left unattended will define us, moments that will change the image of ourselves, moments that can change the uniqueness of your spirit, the moments that can quickly turn into bitterness and anger.

There are times in my life that I reach a point that I am full, not of joy and not of anger I am just simply full, full of so much "stuff" that I don't have any place to put anymore, no more emotion, no more control, no more laughs, no more jokes, no more intelligent conversations... I am simply full and in need of escape, to get to a place where I can let it out. It used to commonly come out with a biting word aimed at someone else but now I am so aware of this flaw that I stuff it down, deep for as long as I can. Last night we attended the birthday of one of my favorite people, one of my favorite families, it is also one of those families where lives have criss-crossed and overlapped and many of those in attendance are my friends... They still are my friends but recent events in my life have made it awkward... Awkward because of a situation, where we were mutual friends and a "disagreement" has occurred, we try to desperately all coexist, but for me this is more then the friend that I am in disagreement with, this is deeper, more hurtful then just a passing argument, this is a disagreement over a perception of a betrayal or burdening situation directed at me but the reality is it hurt my husband, my children, It was gut wrenching, painful and mind boggling to stand in a room where you know these friends have listened to lies about you, and you know because there have been multiple confirmations of discussions regarding the situation, my younger children have been been hurt and yet I stood, i stood in a room and pretended that all is fine, that it is possible to all still be friends, and it is it is more then anything just painful, painful most of above all else my husbands heart is broken.

It is painful because in this environment there is no transparency and if you actually know me, if I let you in, then I hide nothing, but yesterday I was a shell of myself, a person who pretended because I loved the birthday girl so much that I was there, I stuffed and pretended, I silently prayed and felt awkward when something escaped my mouth that was wrong or that could be repeated. After a few hours I was about to burst into tears, not being able to take it anymore, the charade was over for me, I tried to escape for an hour, I told my husband that I had a great deal to do and asked him to run me home, my sweet husband is still not used to a wife that would rather retreat then defend, a wife that prefers the quiet of her home verses the hustle and bustle of people, For him he waits, he believes in honor and the stand, the stand of moving forward, he is the ultimate example of not letting bitterness grow, a text book example of standing through a decision, a careful choice made through prayer, and careful personal reflection, a simple disection of a situation in which he made a choice to not only teach discipline yet demonstrate love and protection of the family that lives under his roof, another second chance if his prayerful and simple guidelines are met.

I know these hurts will fade over time because every one of these beautiful people share one thing... The love of OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, we will in time move on and the silence, the awkwardness will get easier, we will heal and lies will fade, and I will rebuild what has been destroyed through Grace, I wonder though how do I quickly forgive?

There is nothing worse then seeing your husbands heart break, nothing more painful then seeing your children cry,. The only thing more painful, is pretending it isn't happening, that you were not betrayed, and when you do try to pretend that all is well, to fail and need to escape. God is working on my hurt, and Satan is too. Satan tries everyday to turn the utter heartbreak into bitterness, and I fight it, I am though one of those people that really can't pretend very well, so when the world presses in on me, I run, I run to a place where it can be just me and God, so I can talk to him, and let my tears fall freely, because bitterness is not an option for me, my pain has always led me to something beautiful, but this time it is not just my pain I fight the root of bitterness it is my husbands, my children's. I have to give it to GOD, and find a way to exist in world where I understand lies have been told, I have to hold my head up high and believe that there is a reason for it all, I have to learn that sometimes you can't defend your family or protect them from the pain handed to them by others, we are all human, Sometimes getting in the way and trying to defend is actually getting in the way of something God may be teaching you and your loved ones. Me, my job is to pray, for forgiveness, to pray for protection against bitterness, to pray that my children are resilient, to pray that my husband is not forced to continue the choice between family and those relationships that have chosen to distance themselves verses "working-it-out". I can't defend him, I can't fight for him because the reality is that is what got us here to begin with. Through Christ all things are possible so I have to believe that in time it will heal, is just another weapon Satan uses to brew bitterness the very thing that got us to this point. For me too, it has forced me to see things differently, I have many times over the years disagreed and I have rejected choices of those around me and punished them through my choice of "cutting them off at the knees" so to speak, so now on the other side of that kind of hurt I realize that Satan can not win, God has to prevail, so there is a delicate and prayerful choice to be made in which I must learn to stand through the fires, and trust that God will bring me through.

With the Holidays coming I share this because bitterness and hatred are tools of Satan's trade, and hearts can't beat to full capacity with the roots of such tangled and twined around our hearts. Christmas is 25 days away, I pray that for all of us, we think of the miracle and reach out and give forgiveness to someone love and be loved in return.! If Christ was born to die for our sins so that we could have eternal life did he not also demonstrate what forgiveness is, he says that we are to turn the other cheek 70 times 7 now secretly I calculated that that is only 490 passes on forgiveness but I also know that was an infinite number imagine if God Walked around with a tally and after just 490 sins we were out, doesn't leave much room for hope does it? So, simply put bitterness can not take root, Forgiveness must be given even before it is asked for. GOD BLESS!

Daily Scriptures from Bible Gateway
Matthew 5:39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.Matthew 5:38-40 (in Context) Matthew 5 (Whole Chapter)
Luke 6:29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.

LET's SAVE AMERICA before the WORLD

2009-11-25T06:43:00.000-08:00

I got to go to HEB this morning and buy groceries... I hate the grocery store but WHEW in today's economy what a Blessing it is to go to the grocery store. I come home and made my posts on FB etc. and I can't help but notice all the post regarding saving the world, feeding the hungry, providing health care around the world and my heart beats a little fast and tears fill my eyes because I can't help but think of all those right here in America that need help! The economy has caused normal families to suffer, those once considered middle class are losing their stuff, OK we can all lose a car, a home, furniture, it hurts but those things are not important if you have a place to sleep and food to eat, the problem is there are so many families that don't have food to eat, can't pay their electric bill, can't take their sick baby to see a doctor and some that have no idea where they will sleep tonight let alone won't have a turkey on the table for Thanksgiving.

I love sharing and caring for those everywhere, but I am saddened that in a time when so many need help our churches, our government and many others are spending millions if not trillions to save the world, why cant we help out our own? Why can't we love a little more right here in the USA, why do church members feel shame for help yet they send the WORLD money. How many Americans, like myself have helped or contributed to the hunger crisis in the world but can't get help from their own community. I hear the stories over and over "you own a home, you own a car or sorry the budget for helping has been spent" It is hard to ask for help, it is even harder when you do find the courage to ask to be turned away. I guess the honest, brutal truth is, the very people who used to contribute to World Hunger, or the AIDS crisis need help here, today, in America. I know from personal experience that often people just don't understand how hard things are for our neighbors. So, your neighbor still has their home, Do you know for sure they are not about to lose it? So your friend still has their car, do you know for sure that they even want it and patiently waiting for the lender to repossess it, or maybe they don't know how to hold onto it but without they can't get to the job they just found paying less then a third of what they once made. Does someone in your church group ask for prayer because times are tough but you think "oh things will get better", have you asked how bad or how tough it really is? Have you asked someone if they have food? If they are you sure they will have heat and water? You might be surprised how many people that you think are doing just fine are laying awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering how they are going to explain to their kids why their is no food, why the water was turned off or the electricity is off. Imagine a mother who lives in her dream home, driving the car she always wanted, realizing that stuff doesn't matter but for now she can only keep her children sheltered in the house she once loved at least until the foreclosure happens, she can only get to work in the car until repossession happens, food is scarce and she cries at night because she honestly doesn't know what she will feed her family. If you don't know someone experiencing this maybe you haven't asked. Times are tough, and if you have never gone through it then THANK GOD, But love someone, a stranger or your neighbor, I am telling you you never know who is hurting and what a Blessing you might be. Its happening here, in our back yards, to our neighbors, to our friends, to people you would not suspect because we are not listening. Listen to the hearts around you. Maybe you don't have any extra money, but there are leftovers or always room for another plate at the table. I don't know the answer but I know there are many many more people fighting to survive and feed their families then registered with local agencies and when they ask for help, love them.

I know amazing people that have opened their hearts and reached out without judgement, I guess I just have a desire to see that we take care of those here at home first. The rest of the WORLD needs help to, I know but America needs help! Be thankful for all you have and if you need help, don't be defeated, Trust God to lead you. Blessings to all, If you are reading this I love you, Happy Thanks Giving, its not about the turkey, or the pie it really is about simply being able to eat. GOD BLESS!

2009-11-24T13:39:00.000-08:00

So this morning started off with incredible weight of the world... My eyes opened and boom there it was all the fear, anxiety of another day and me pressing on. Well not before I cried and screamed, gotta be honest. My boys were leaving for school and I was broken, torn and well fighting for some sanity in my life. THey left one thing I learned 3 years ago in recovery was if the day doesn't start right get back in bed and start over... so for the first time ever that is what i did, I went back to bed. My body ached with pain ( I took a bit of a tumble at the superbowl game on Sunday and today I HURT) my mind swam with everything and I knew todya was one of those days that I needed to be in prayer so thats what I did. I sent my husband to handle the world and I prayed. Pressing first and foremost on my heart was "REACH out" I have a terrible habit of not letting people hold me up when I need it so today I did. I took baby steps as I reached out to three incredible women and said here are the 7 things I need prayer for. GUESS WHAT? God has answered them each like in a snap... WOW. Obedience there it is. I will share with people my heart, my past struggles but I want to be a inspiration, not a downer. HA- I am human. I guess God wanted to know how obedient I would be because he sent me a couple of special angels that BOOM took care of my needs. I got to be loved today, not just give it. That is incredible, oh I love to love you but I don't like to be loved (go figure) I want to help you but I am not sure that I can let others love me but today I let myself be loved by the incredible women in my life... Times are hard and God has Blessed my family with incredible friendships and me the big goober never wants to let anyone love me but they do anyway. THere is no shame in accepting help, there is more shame in being stubborn enough not to accept it. There are incredible Blessings in accepting love, its good to know you are loved, I talk about tangible reminders of GOds love but I always take that to mean because God has given me friends that love me just as I am but one of his tangible reminders of his Love is also when people help you, I know when I want to help someone I am hurt if they tell me no, I am doing what God would have me to do so today I learned to reach out, I learned to accept help and i lerned to let people love me. What a day!

2009-11-24T04:19:00.001-08:00

Good Morning! I woke up this morning in prayer. Why? Anxiety I guess. You know sometimes I think it is my weakest time the mornings when I first open my eyes. I wonder how many people experience the same insanity. I open my eyes and my first thoughts are well Christmas is right around the corner, the economy has hurt us, my eyes flutter shut and a list of clients that need to pay, or are expecting a bigger or better discount, the immediate pressing timeline for the first issue of Women of Seguin, the unbelievable amount of articles, ads and appointments needed to be completed and we have 7 days to do it, THanksgiving takes up at least 2 plus the weekend, my mind feels like it is going to press together and my eyes literally have only opened once so I roll over and the fleeting thought crosses my mind, you will fail Traci, no way, its all too much then I launch into prayer, A prayer asking for guidance, wisdom becuase I have no idea what lays ahead. Business or personally.

A constant state of prayer that is where I need to be. Isn't it funny though last night before I went to bed I was pumped... ready to go... take my life back and then over night while I slept the enemy (the devil) invaded my thoughts and again tried to steal my joy, my life. UGH, in my sleep their is no safe place to hide, I must be spiritually fit, I am suiting up, I am putting on the armor of the LORD, and I will meet the devil in whatever battle he needs to fight me on, I have the BLOOD of JeSUS CHIRST, I will win... I already have because I have eternal life... I just get to be the vessel.

God Bless!

2009-11-23T21:53:00.000-08:00

So, I wrote the intro to yet another great-maybe-someday-hope to- get-to-it novel! It cracks me up, I have these ideas they pop in my head, I have the characters, the whole beggining of the book sometimes I even know the outcome and I have written tons of actaul incomplete manuscripts... writing is so what I do so why don't i. I think I am scared. Scared to fail if I don't try then I can dream, If I succeeed will I ever remain humble? Either way I could lose. I am smiling as I write that, I already have more then I ever dreamed I get to write for thousands in our hometown, I am the Editor of a small magazine (Title only really editing is not what a Editor in Chief does) which you cna all tell by reading my blogs. So I am off to bed tonight and going to start praying. I have these ideas it is one of my dreams and thanks to Cousin Rhonda who wrote a "Why Not me List" when it came to her having Breast Cancer, geez if she is willing to take cancer because as she said "why not me" who am I to put off one single thing God may have for me.

IF you have been praying for me to find myself and have strength to SPEAK... come out of my cave... GO hide quick becasue while I will never be the on-the-go forget to stope and smell the roses girl I once was (or at least that is my prayer and my goal) I am ready to be a part of society. :) I have also decided that there is much to my story that I need to tell,

I love you All, GOD BLESS!

2009-11-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

I forgot I promised to post my entire column from the last issue of WONB heree. I had to cut it quite a bit for space... Here it is for everyone that wants to read more. I want to say though this was a very difficult thing to share, Truly allowing myself to be so raw, so transparent took a great deal of Trust in My heavenly father. God is good and I know that but sometimes I wonder about the world. My prayer is that someone will read this and be touched, find courage to change, God he can make anything beautiful and any of us who allow him even more beautiful. It is such a miracle to see the ugliness of a past bloom into beauty. GOD BLESS!

From the October WONB issue Full Column!

Have you ever known anyone in an abusive relationship or have you yourself experienced the power of fear produced through abuse? Most of us have probably encountered that friend at work that you wonder how she could be so accident prone, or where all the bruises really come from, those are the cases that leave visible signs for the world to consider but there are even more cases that you have no idea, maybe you eat lunch everyday with the kindest, funniest guy in the world, or the sweetest most gentile motherly woman you have ever met with no thought to the monster they become with the flip of a switch turning their rage and terror on those they love.

I can’t tell you that domestic violence is something I have never experienced, I can’t tell you its victims are foreign to me nor can I sit and ignore the truth as to who the abusers are parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. From the greatest guy in the world leading the “picture perfect life” no one guessing the terror unleashed at random intervals, a father who raged incessantly and mothers who beat their children or left them to suffer abuse at the hands of others, those who through words alone destroyed and cut us to our inner core shaping the virtual image we would battle of ourselves even into adulthood and worse the stories of the victims that became themselves the abuser.

The faces of abuse are many and can be emotional, mental, physical or often a combination. I experienced physical abuse during my first marriage and I was not only the victim but played a part as abuser too. I actually grew to prefer the physical abuse verses the mental and emotional. I can still hear words fired at me like a high-powered semi-automatic weapon, I would take a slap, a push or a kick over the words, words that ring in my head still today. In fact I grew to the point that I would lunge at him knowing that once I physically put myself in the path of his words I would no longer hear them and I would be free from the sting. I was not free from fault and still not sure where the pattern began and why I believed our behaviors were acceptable. In the end I know I was terrified of everything. The man I was married too was a stranger to me as I was a stranger to myself.

I can recall standing outside of a hotel room begging the man I had married the father of my child, to let me have my precious baby, ultimately we struck a deal, I went to him and his brother took my baby placing him in the arms of my mother. With the knowledge that my little boy was safely back in Texas, I raged planning to escape the madness of my life, I beat this man, clawed him, bit him and with every overpowering slap, kick or push I fought harder and finally called 911 and beating him on the head with the phone ran to freedom and the hotel parking lot, so I thought. I quickly learned that law enforcement officers really have no patience with domestic violence as they placed us both in handcuffs and I was anything but free. I don’t know that I really ever done much wrong in my life at this point, unless trying to make a bad marriage work is wrong. I only wanted to escape and return home to Texas instead I found myself in a stark, cold cell with women suspected of murder, stabbings and a heroine addict coming down. I cried and cried and the officers kept taking me out of my cell trying to make me understand that if I continued to cry one of those women would hurt me. I was beyond the capacity of comprehending, my head swam with guilt, fear, and disgrace and most importantly I Was confused how I could have called for help yet found myself in jail charged with assault!

Within twenty-four hours I was released, charges dropped and freedom was within my sights, taking cab back to the hotel I quickly discovered all of my personal belongings including my identification had been taken, I stood there lost, scared of everyone, ashamed and in fear. That is when my abuser became my protector, he had posted bail and everything we had was gone and the streets were our only answer and a life spent within the confines of the life he had lived secretly for years, a life of crimes, drugs and lacking anything familiar. I spent the next 6 weeks living a life that I cant even explain, I cant tell you the abuse I endured or the gripping fear that imprisoned me that if I did not do exactly as he said he would kill my baby, his words always rang in my head “I wont kill you I will make you live without your baby”. I knew that I couldn’t live without him and spent many nights wishing he would just kill me so my baby would be safe. I was afraid to ask anyone for help. My parents believed I had chosen this way of life, the cops had arrested me and my will to survive was gone except I had this precious baby waiting for his mommy in Texas, it had already been 6 weeks, I missed his first birthday. I really don’t remember much about the day I came home, except I was sitting on a bench outside a Denny’s when a man, a known drug dealer, told me to get in his car, I didn’t care anymore, there was no running from this life so I did, to my surprise he said these words to me “I am putting you on a bus home, you don’t belong in this world, you are different then the rest of us.” I wish I could tell you that nightmare ended here but it did not, in fact in many ways it had only begun.

It is an extremely long bus ride from California to Texas and during a very long wait in Los Angeles the nightmare began again as my abuser walked into the bus station and boarded the very bus I was bound for Texas on. I was convinced he would kill me before I made it home. Around Fort Stockton, I believe with my whole heart he might have killed me that day but a man on the bus set down next to me and offered me an apple, I still love apples to this day because it was the first food I had in days, and every time my ex would come close to me it was like he couldn’t break through this invisible wall protecting me. Once in San Antonio, waiting on my dad to pick me up in the middle of the night this angel said to me “Stay close to your earthly father and never take your eyes off your heavenly father” I swear to you that as my dad pulled up, this man simply wasn’t there.

My father fearful of losing his daughter and his grandson, tried to make peace with my ex and myself and through my insanity and my fear somehow, my ex convinced me yet again to go with him then he carefully planned to take our son from my parents. I cant remember everything step by step I only know that I remember seeing my cousin and walking straight to him and telling him “He is going to take him.” That day I stayed with my baby and thanks to simple support without judgment I found the strength to take my baby, we hid for weeks but eventually my ex-husband grew tired and left us alone, we divorced and I thought the terror was over.

I eventually terminated parental rights and re-married, what I didn’t know was that it would take me Eleven years before I even began to deal with the life I had once had, I did not know that to some extent I would become the abuser. My husband experienced verbal abuse, me cutting him down in anger and I can still do that. I couldn’t look at me and I suppressed many of the memories that occurred during that brutal six weeks. The unthinkable things I somehow believed were my fault, I believed that everything that happened to me from every sexual assault to every slap, every word that burned into me that I deserved everything I was getting. My self image was damaged to begin with, I never believed I was pretty enough and I always struggled with my weight, I suffer the most today with my self image.

I can’t believe that almost fifteen years later I have the courage to tell my story without fear of judgment. I share this story because Domestic Violence is serious and its real, Women are the victims, Women are the abusers, as either we need to break the cycle and the only way we can do that is to stop whispering about domestic violence, stop ignoring it, stop stereotyping and recognize women are in danger. The abuser, the victim both suffer in a silent pain that those of us who have survived can only pray another woman does not ever endure.

I pray that women will Stand together, be someone’s safe place to fall, be another woman’s friend. Mentor allow her to say to you I am scared, or I think I may be abusive and love her anyway, Pray with her, hold her love her. God is an amazing and Sovereign Lord and he can restore us all, be another’s woman hand of courage when fear is suffocating her, don’t judge her, And LOVE HER!

2009-11-18T18:52:00.000-08:00

you know I have always thought of myself as this really good person, I love passionately and I fight hard for those I love and I forgive pretty easily, I get angry and I get hurt but I love you so that is OK, but I also while I don't stay angry I also tend to push people away that love me. Today that fact, that "thing" that God has been showing me for so long that I just keep saying "no God, I am better off" slapped me in the face and it hurt. Not a little sting but like punch in the gut. I love you but I tend to keep those who love me at arms length, if you get too close I push. I think it is a pattern I developed when I drank too much, ate too much and just didn't do good things too much. Today I was honored and humbled to go and stay with our cousin Rhonda who just had A mastectomy, I got to hang out with her while James and Gean (her husband) went grocery shopping ( GOTTA LOVE THAT LADIES, the guys went to the store but that's how they both are). While the men were gone Rhonda's surgeon called to let her know that the pathology report was positive for cancer in 3 of the 8 lymph nodes. Man, wow, all I could do was say OK God, here I am and why me because I pushed her away hard. Why? Because they loved me, for who I was, who I could be, and who they knew I should be and didn't judge me, because they spoke truth into my life, because I was scared of the closeness, because I loved them and they loved me in return and they knew the REAL ME. 3 years ago or so I started on an incredible journey of falling in Love with Jesus, and out of the image of myself, in the process I pushed people away. I hear so often now that I people always feel like I am holding something back, like there is something I am not saying. My excuse is always the same, I am scared, I don't know how to Trust, I can only trust God but then trusting God means that I let people in, that I give and i RECEIVE. I am not good at the receiving part. Today, reminded me that we need friends, we need family and we need to be close to those God weaves into our lives (Rhonda's words, not mine). All in all it was a beautiful afternoon even with Cancer taking a stab at someone I love very much. It was still a great day, because the best part about people loving you they love you when you walk away, they love you when you come home and they love while your gone, I almost felt like the prodigal son and yet after opening up to Rhonda and sharing whats been going on in my world, he this amazing GOD I shared allowed me to be there when she got the news, no I was not giving in that moment, I was receiving receiving the blessing of being there for someone and being OK with the fact that I was the one there to support her even after all the time I let pass... GO GRAB SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND TELL THEM, Call an old friend, build a bridge, Trust that if GOD loves us so can his other children, Trust in GOD, Trust in his Love and let him put people in your life to be a tangible reminder of his goodness, his grace, his comfort, his love and enjoy the fellowship don't be afraid to let others in, speak let people know the blessings are so worth it.

I LOVE YOU ALL... GOD BLESS!

2009-11-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

what do you do when faced with a difficult choice? My husband and I were recently faced with a very difficult decision. We had been told some things and observed some behaivors that had us concerned regarding a possible abuse of a child. We had no hard core proof, we only had the statements of 3 very young children that raised RED FLags for us. We knew we could be wrong if we actually acqused another adult of hurting a child but we also knew that we had to say something. On a prayer and alot of faith we opted to go to the childs mother and tell her what we felt and what had been said. The events that followed were more then I could have ever dreamed would have happened and cost my husband and I both greatly. We lost a relationship that we valued greatly because our concerns were taken discussed and eventually we felt threatned, My fear quickly became for my own children and my heart broke because the anger fueled by these concerns actually led to a very fast move and a cutting of all ties to my husband and I. I have spent over a week in deep sorrow for this loss an dpraying as to if I had made the right choice. I may not have said the right things in the most perfect way but eventually I was set free from my sadness why? Because, If I wrongly acqused an adult my husband and I are both adult enough to admit when are wrong and ask for forgiveness but we could have never forgiven ourselves if these children would have been hurt and we never said a word.

Sometimes you have to be willling to let someone or something walk away in order to protect those you love, children are defenseless in this maddening world yet as adults we understand people make mistakes or not, we also understand that sometimes people react in order to defend themselves. All we can do is speak the truth as we know it, be honest with everyone in our paths, and ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. We have to check ourselves and that is the one awesome thing we found in this situation, that my husband and I have trully developed a accountability system for each other and even though it resulted in hurt for others we knew because of our accountablity to one another and our commitment to GOD that we both believed what we did was in the best interest of the children. I hate difficult choices but I love when we get to the other side, just like in this circumstance, it hurt but it drew my husband and I much closer, just when we thought we couldn't get any closer. God is so amazing!

2009-11-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

With the suicide of the Canyon High School student, I sit heart breaking for his family, for all the other students and with overwhelming desire to hold my children close. Christianity Today reports that suicide is the 6th most common cause of death for children between ages 5-14. Staggering that a child between those ages could think their life had no value and be so saddened that they would take their own life. Even more disturbing is that every 17 minutes in America according to the report in Christianity Today someone tries to take their life. It is hard to understand suicide at any age. What does Suicide mean to our Faith, Our Salvation? Romans 8:32 offers a great deal of hope that nothing a believer does will separate us from the love of our father in heaven. There are also 6 examples of suicide in the Bible, I have to believe that God gave us these examples so we would know that he loves us and what to expect in this life.

As a teenager I recall two mothers taking their lives. Those were hard deaths but they were easy too because we could be angry at the moms, how could they leave their children. Later my dads childhood friend took his life and in another event a friend took his life at that of his son. You can't wrap you mind around it but then 5 years ago my cousin decided that this world was just too much and ended his life. A young man with what looked like everything to live for and yet he ended. He I know had faith, salvation and at one time wanted to go into ministry. What causes someone to think that its just too bad.

Last week I blogged on hope and that there is never NO HOPE because we always have eternity and all the stuff happening here on earth is just the "STUFF" in between but I am grown, I have walked through pain, I have healed, hurt, been hurt, and made it through with a loving GOD! What about our children why? Why and can we ask why? I believe we can tell GOD "I don't understand Lord, help me have faith." Scripture refers to Jesus asking a man of a sick child if he had Faith and the man replied "NO, help me have Faith." In this time of loss, in this time when we are all confused, when it seems like there is no hope, there is. Another life should not be lost in vain and one way as parents and friends we can do that is by opening our hearts and our arms. We have to create a safe place for our kids, our spouses, our friends a place where they can tell us anything without fear of being judged. To feel all alone, to feel like no one would understand and that your life is worth nothing, most of us have felt that at some point but it quickly passes but when someone doesn't have somebody to go to why wouldn't they end it all. This world is a scary place. Open your hearts, open your minds and be some ones safe place to fall. Give a teenager a HUG TODAY! Reach out and tell your kids, a kid around that their life is precious, that you would miss them if they were gone!

2009-10-30T05:29:00.000-07:00

Listening to the news this morning, I realized just how troubled our world is. I feel like I don;t even recognize it sometimes. We all have someone we know that has been seriously affected by the economy and the many of us have friends that have lost jobs, homes and feel like they are trapped by this world. It was worrisome to me as I watched people I love experience the depths of uncertainty in a very uncertain world but while some were close friends it still wasn't happening to me... Then after 30 years in the automotive Industry my precious husband became the victim of the economy as his employer looked at the bottom line and began not making cuts in staff but cutting salaries as much as 50%. It began to get more and more difficult, then before we knew it like a bad dream they began to ask him to be a party to fraud and He being a man of integrity could not sell out to this way of thinking. He could not help them survive by robbing himself of his integrity, at 50 years old, never being anything more then the Best employee any employer could as for, he found himself unemployed. We accepted the change with excitement and renewed vision for my business. excited to be together and sure that God had a plan.

God does have a plan we just don't always know what it is. We have to pray and keep our eyes on him, no matter what has come our way, what sacrifice we have to make, what changes we have to make in our Lifestyle or what "stuff" we give up, we know God is in Control and that he has us and our best interest in mind, we know he is enough and he will meet our needs. Now I think even knowing this and having a spouse that shares my unwavering faith, I still get scared, worry and have to retreat and surrender over and over again, what and how are the people of our world who do not have faith, do not know that God is the light of the world, how are they surviving these troubled times? Scary! I can't imagine not having hope. No matter how bad it gets I always have hope because I have Faith. I know that my situation is nothing compared to some people but even I struggle and yet I always have hope. It is no wonder there are so many desperate acts of violence, fathers taking the lives of their entire families, mothers taking the lives of their children, they have no hope. Can you imagine how dark, how alone, how troubled and confused they are? We all have experienced that uncomfortable feeling of being in a new place, where we don't know anyone, we don't know our way around or even where the bathroom is, where we go to eat, we would all just ask someone to point us in the right direction. What if though there was no one around, you stood alone and there was no one, no map, no cell phone nothing and nothingness is all that surrounded you. Can you imagine what that would feel like? To have no hope? Isn't that how many of us feel all the time, alone with nothing to hold onto? God is always there and he always has hope for us, he always has a way out, it doesn't mean he takes all the things in life away but it does mean we have HOPE if we look to him!.

the following verses offer guidance to a troubled world, to the believer and to the one who hungers for more, answers and peace. God knows our hearts and he knows that we feel like stragers to our world, he knows that feelings of uncertainity lead to sin but he tells us that he will lead us through troubled times. He is the light unto the world, he is our comforter, he is our visonary, he has a vision for our lives, but we have to look to him to share in his vision!

1 Peter 2:11 (New International Version)
11Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.

Colossians 3:2 (New International Version)
2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

John 14:6 (New International Version)
6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Psalm 121:1-7 (New International Version)
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;

Forgiveness

2009-10-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

We are all flawed and full of imperfections, God loves us anyways yet he disciplines us for our sins. As an imperfect person, I pray that God will move miracles and mountains to restore those who are broken and hurt and give those of us like me compassion to love even when we don't understand! I am a "Hammer" nailing people to the wall holding them accountable to things that I are not right. I fall short many many times, I have a problem keeping my voice quiet, OK look I yell especially when I know someone is not being truthful, I expect honesty and when someone is not honest I am brutal. It is hard, very hard on me and hard on those around me, in fact many people walk away because of my brutality. I am brutal I know it I am very guilty of of seeing it this way " Well if they were just honest then we wouldn't be here" truthfully though because I am this way I know I have to find a better way to hold people accountable, a kinder softer way. I am also though a person that give forgiveness pretty freely, admit, repent and turn and you have my forgiveness and most of the time I will really forget it too. I hold my family to extremely HIGH expectations, loyalty, honesty I HAMMER it in, I also love them Fiercely and while I have EXTREMELY high expectations there is nothing you Can do to take my love away, it does not go away. I have my own character flaws outside of the Hammer mentality, I yell, I can be judgemental, manipulating and a million other character flaws. What I have experienced often in life is that people will ask for forgiveness but very few people are capable of giving it. In most cases it is because they allow things to build up, boiling over then they are so full of resentment they can't go back. Hence the polar opposite of me, I tell you what I think, what is wrong and I also am pretty good at recognizing my bad behaviors and talk about my short-comings often. I keep working on them and the biggest thing I have to work on is that I am so passionate about life that I talk with passion even when I am happy, I have tones in my voice and body language that is overpowering but I love every step of the way. I don't let resentments build up, " I tell people whats wrong and then work to find a solution" maybe I do that because at one time I was so angry with the world that I hated myself, my life and everyone in my path, then I got rid of the resentments. Now I have to work on speaking about things rather then "hammering" them into my loved ones.

Forgiveness is essential to our own freedom, happiness and spirituality. Maybe people can forgive and walk away not giving people the chance to change. I love to watch people grow and change and even when I don't like having my short-comings pointed out, I still love the end result of having them brought to my attention because I love the freedom in learning and conquering my defects of character. I wish the whole world could just extend forgiveness, I wish I never had to ask for forgiveness but I am human, I am the hammer, and while it is "hammering" to experience it is also a beautiful gift. I love, I require honesty, I hurt, but I also forgive. I read the following passages today, in search of words to bring me comfort in this time of pain, pain caused from my hammering, pain caused because I did not create a safe place for those I love to speak freely so ultimately resentment grew and grew until it boiled over, once it boils their are so many overflowing hurts that often going back is difficult. What is forgiveness and how does God want us to deal with it. What is it like in real life. This blog was very helpful http://www.gospel.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/08/forgiveness-in-real-life/ and so was

Hebrews 12:15 "Be sure that no one misses God's grace. See to it that a bitter plant doesn't grow up. If it does, it will cause trouble. And it will pollute many people." I don't want anyone to miss Gods grace so I hammer what they need to get rid of, and I speak my mind because I don't want to pollute those around me with my own bitterness. I give forgiveness and love but I am not perfect, I do expect certain things in return and that may not be right but what I truly desire is that those I love, those I might hurt would speak truth into my life, and then offer forgiveness. I feel alone sometimes because it seems we all desire forgiveness but it is so hard to actually extend it. I guess it is a test of my own faith, my own humanness because if people can walk away in bitterness can I remain not bitter? I don't know? I am sure I can because bitterness is like a disease, and I don't like feeling tired, sick and run down, and that is what bitterness does. I just have to pray for love, compassion and that bitterness from my own hurts will not invade my life costing me more then it already robbed me of after years spent imprisoned by bitterness.

GOD BLESS, Give Forgiveness, speak truth into someones life, take a chance, trust that God will provide a way, but forgiveness is the key to freedom!

2009-10-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, I have been busy working on some other writings. I laid out on my deck earlier and looked up at the sky, WHAT A MAJESTIC SITE! As lay there looking up, staring through the branches of my tree catching glimpse of the most perfect blue sky, several things went through my head. I have a friend who says trees remind her to Praise God, There they are every day reaching up to the Heavens their arms (branches) open wide just praising God, They keep their arms stretched out and up through storms, through bitter cold, howling wind, through scorching heat, trees just keep their arms open wide, even when a a limb is snapped from its trunk the tree continues to reach toward the sky, praising GOD! Now, isn't that exactly what God wants us to do?

Absolutely, we are supposed to praise him in the good times and in the bad times. I can't imagine if my arm was cut off that I would praise God immediately, oh sure I would get there but it would take me some time but trees they just keep their arms open wide praising God. When the heat of life gets to me I wilt and struggle, but even when a tree is thirsty and begins to wilt and die, what branches it still has are you guessed it stretched up towards the sky praising God. I don't even have many trees on my property, its just where we live, it was a pasture at one time so there just aren't many trees but several years ago I planted a seedling my grandfather and dug up before he died and planted in a pot for me. He had been a farmer and he thought all of us should have trees, he planted trees, flowers and taught all of us how to cultivate, nurture and tend to our plants, very symbolic because that is what he did for most of his family. He planted the seed, then he fed it watered it, nurtured and then watched us sprout up, eventually branching out on our own. I did exactly as he told me with this little seedling as today it towers over my house and provides beautiful shade from the heat. The funny thing is, it is the only tree that has flourished or anything that I have planted. Why? because I did exactly as he told me too, I never tried it any other way. I want to be like my tree, I want to open my arms and praise God through it all, how? Well, God gave us a book full of instructions... The Bible, How easy would life be if, I could follow God's instructions to the letter, not every adding my two cents?

Pretty powerful Question?

2009-10-14T06:27:00.001-07:00

Over the last few weeks I find myself getting more addicted to FaceBook. There are those that say its not a good thing but I have to tell you, I love it. Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with so many people and I get to keep up with my kiddos and their friends. We get to share our lives, put a smile on our faces, support friends through daily activities and there is laughter, I laugh at the hilarious things my friends kids do, the crazy things my kids and their friends do and the fact that we all get to chime makes us feel like what, involved, needed. I don't know what it does or if its really unhealthy but I do know I love it. The reason I think I love it so much is just knowing what is going on in every ones lives and I love seeing and hearing how so many of my friends from Grade School, High School have such amazing faith, and are turning their lives and their adversity and their triumphs to GOD. Think about it how many of set around and talked about it in High School, about our faith. Not many, Oh I probably preached to a few of those friends as I was judgemental and spewed my judgements in some screwed up self-righteous sermon. I have lived life since then as has many of my friends. I am not sure that pride is the right word but I am so proud of my friends from home. I love seeing everyone talk about God, His plan for their life, and Loving him even when they don't have everything they want. WHAT A BLESSING everyone is. Thank you to all of you who share your lives on FB and twitter. I LOVE YOU ALL!

2009-10-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

Today is overcast and just a little cool, great snuggle weather. I really find myself just wanting to climb in bed with a good book, drink hot chocolate, read and wear big fuzzy slippers. Sounds warm and comforting doesn't it? I reminded that we don't need warm fuzzy slippers, hot chocolate or a big fluffy blanket to feel warm, cuddly and comforted because God wants to comfort us, he is our comforter! I think it takes practice to learn just how to lean on him so that he can comfort us but when we seek him, we will find him and then he will comfort us making those days that we can just snuggle under a big down comforter, a good book, a loved one and a cup of steamy hot chocolate, well it just makes those days a tangible bonus of the comfort we can have everyday. We never ever have to feel cold, alone or empty, we can feel all snuggled in every minute of everyday because the greatest comforter of all is waiting on us!

Isaiah 49:13
13 Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE!

2009-10-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

Honestly I always write what is going on in my life and what I learn from the events that are usually happening right then, because it seems like God teaches me something profound everyday, this week has been one of those "AH-HA" moments!

A couple of things have been going on this week, one my son and his girlfriend broke up, again, this time for good I think and the other I have had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends from high School, elementary school and some of those that I can't even remember ever not knowing them. My son and his girlfriend's break-up weighs on my heart because I love them both so much but I also know it was so time for them to move on, they are kids and need to be kids or at least I know my son needs to be a kid. I see him frustrated, hurt and to extent relieved and I just want to wipe all that pain away, give him all the knowledge and wisdom I think I have from my youth, share with him that no matter what or how your perceive it now later the pain wont be what you remember, instead he will remember his first love and wont even remember why they broke up. The significance wont be in the break up it will be in that "First-love" experience.

Now as a mom, what do I do with my frustration, you cant be angry even though hey I was, I was honestly tired of the hassle of the entirety of the girlfriend thing and since they go to different High Schools I was missing all of my sons other friends, the friends that he has carefully chosen and known since kindergarten in most cases. Frustrated and throwing up my hands and a little hurt I tried to act like I don't care or didn't care. I was frustrated and it grew throughout the evening, just frustrated with all of it my son, his now ex-girlfriend, her parents, my husband, myself, you know "mama bear" was in full defensive stance and yet I didn't really know what t o do.

I talked to an old friend that I have recently reconnected with and later the conversation, the reflection on our youth changed my perception completely. I do care, I am frustrated and I am so glad, I want to shout to the LORD thank you for letting me have these emotions, Thank you for my beautiful son, THANK You for Frustrating relationships, thank you for his heart ache, his frustration, his dads frustration, Thank you for all of it, PRAISE GOD THANK YOU FOR MY SON! Why? Its not because I am such a good Christian that I know this is how I am supposed to be, no its more about the legacy of our lives and the events that we learn from, the things that happen that impact our lives even years later. See, I have been helping my friend Nikki with the upcoming memorial golf tournament held each year in honor of her little brother Brett. Brett was 15 when a gun accident claimed his life while playing in the front yard at a friends house. 15, the same age as my son. 15, just beginning to experience life, love, heartache and for Brett and his family they never had the opportunity to see him grow up and understand that you do survive first loves, or that you get to do it all over again, and his parents didn't get to be frustrated with their sons relationships, choices, influences or parents of those outside of their home, they didn't get the opportunity to see him grow and learn from hurts and frustrations, but I do, my son does. HOW CAN I NOT THROW up my HAND IN PRAISE and say Thank YOU LORD for the gift of emotions, even the heartache, the frustration the need to defend my child, I am Blessed and thankful for every moment, every hurt, every resentment, every frustration because I have my son.

God uses things all the time from our past to teach us,for me I do want to PRAISE GOD and Shout to the HEAVENS what a BLESSING life is. I also want to say thank you to the parents of Brett Bird and to Brett's sister, Nikki Lange (Bird), because they have chosen to keep their sons memory alive, even in something as trivial as a break-up his life being lost tragically, showed me just how thankful and joyful I should be even when we are walking through hurt or anger, 19 years later, His story, his life and the loss of his life, inspired me and allowed me to say THANK YOU LORD even in adversity. I wouldn't have it any other way. Growing up is hard and we can't protect our children from emotional growth and they make mistakes along the way and even more importantly as parents we make mistakes too but wow I AM SO THANKFUL for the opportunity to Mess up, hurt and even get a little angry because I GET TO GO THROUGH it with my son. THANK YOU GOD FOR my children, for their Friends, their heartaches, their mistakes and thank you for letting me see your beauty in all of it! -Amen

2009-10-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

I have been sick for the last week or so, today is really the first day that I feel "back-to-myself". I feel the residual effect of sickness and I really began to think about how physical illness is so much like spiritual illness and how sin can make us physically sick. If you have known anyone in any kind of recovery, or someone that struggles with addiction of any kind you are aware that the only real explanation is a "spiritual malady" essentially they are spiritually sick. Aren't we all? Unlike the flu or a cold, there is no prescription that will cure the ailments of being spiritually sick and the most amazing part of spiritual sickness is if left untreated the body becomes physically ill and eventually the mind will become sick as well. Not all mental illness or physical ailments are a result of being spiritually sick but there are those case such as addiciton that it is all related to a spiritually disconnect. Fortunately, while you can't go to a doctor to get a prescription to fight an infection, there is a prescription for spiritual sickness, it was written thousands of years ago and there is healing and survival in its pages. The prescription is simple, Give yourself to God, feed your spirit through studying his word, and learn to lean on him, practice Spiritual fitness, healing of perplexed and devastated spirit is waiting, just like be sick its up to us to go to the doctor, God is Waiting on us!

Matthew 4:23 (New International Version)
Jesus Heals the Sick
23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.

When God is Silent but not still!

2009-09-26T04:10:00.000-07:00

You know if you read my writings much you know I love music and movies and find great insights in everything I watch and hear, give me a song and I am going to pull out every lyric and relate it to something, give me a movie and I am going to find some sort of imagery that will inspire me, but give me a bunch of troubles and I am going to struggle to see what is going on! So I am reading a great book by Charles Stanley on adversity, which its not teaching me anything I don't know but it is confirming loud and clear exactly what I do know, and believe it or not it brings to mind a good "ol country song by none other then Garth Brooks, "unanswered Prayers"! In this song Garth sings about thanking God for unanswered Prayers, even for a country song that is actually talking about why God did not let him be with his High School Sweetheart but in the end he had something even better. Don't we all feel like that sometimes God isn't answering us? I do and you know what when we feel like that he probably isn't answering us. Now don't freak out, He doesn't answer our prayers sometimes, sometimes he answers and its not what we want or what we asked for but sometimes he is actually silent and no amount of Praying is going to get us an answer but it doesn't mean he is not thinking of us, and just because he appears silent, he is NOT STILL, he is moving in our lives or in others lives which will eventually move in ours!

Throughout the last year more times then I can tell you I have prayed for deliverance, for just a glimmer of the end of my adversity, I have begged, pleaded, cried and at times raged, I have even retreated from the world, but the same words have come to me over and over from my MIGHTY GOD "Be still and wait"! I am not sure that there is yet a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is a light because God sent his so to be the Light of the world and he is very alive and at work in my life, and learning to be still and wait, has been demonstrated to me over and over again. Just when the bottom was truly falling out, in the very last second, when the deadline was near or upon me and in some situations the clock had ticked past the commanded hour, GOD would move and I would be amazed. The worst part is that I bet he has demonstrated this mighty power over a hundred times this last year maybe even more, but yet if I am honest I was wavering in Faith and allowing my mind to be attacked by Satan.

I even took "be still and wait to" a whole new ungodly level by retreating into my "cave" as I say. I mean I stopped going out of my home, Fear of facing what lay on the other side of the door gripped me and I twisted the heeding of my Heavenly Father allowing Satan to rob me and those around me of the Glory of What GOD was and is doing in my life! OK, let me explain, The last year has been well, very difficult, I took be "still and wait", and made it into "be still and wait until everything is better before you share your troubles"! Oh, the mind, isn't it where Satan always finds that little crack? I tried to fall apart, I tried to hide from the world and I tried to be still and wait where no one could see anything that was happening, NOW IF THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING then what am I robbing GOD of? Confused? OK here is my great insight for today, I took be "still and wait" to mean hide in my cave until all is well, waiting upon the LORD to just deliver me, and restore me. I am sure that I will be called to share my story with people that have not been apart of the last year, but I am robbing those who have been apart of it from seeing GOD MOVE IN MY LIFE!

God may be silent in our lives but he is always working in our lives! Don't forget that, let the world experience what he is doing in our lives, you never know if what he is doing in your life might actually, give one person the gift of eternity, just because he was Glorified in you, because when the bottom fell out, you had the strength to be honest and show your faith. Today is the start of a whole new experience for me and most of all, its the start of being transparent with everyone. I am an open book when it comes to my past, and share my sin when called to, I give God the Glory for my restoration and praise him for what I learned during that time in my life where I chose sin, its easy to talk about what he did in my life after I turned from sin, It is not nearly as easy to talk about what he is doing in my life when I am not even sure, It is not quite as easy to Praise him, when you have no idea how much further you have to go in the adversity, but I bet I start seeing some big changes now that I least understand that, I may not see it for a while but at least I won't be wrestling with "WHAT IS GOING ON?" Why? I know that he is at work, I just don't know what he is doing, but today thats ok.

Have a BLESSED DAY and GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY!

NOTE: I hate capitalizing satan in my writings, spell check changes it, it just feels like it gives him too much credit, but then isnt that just normal, spell check capitlaizes his name and he capitalizes on us! Just thinking!

Going home!

2009-09-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Going home! What does going home mean? Home is where the heart is so they say. We grow up in "hometowns" then we make a home for a family and going home is something we do daily, we run our daily lives and rush through the door of our homes to do all the things we have to do as moms and wives to make a home. This morning I was considering that my High School (SHS) plays my boys school CHS tonight and that its homecoming for Seguin. How ironic, it is that just as I prepare to essentially return Home to Seguin with the launch of Women of Seguin that my tow worlds will meet for homecoming tonight on a football field! Last week my youngest son started his pee-wee football game against who, A SEGUIN TEAM, I think I recognized to some level everyone of the coaches, I cheered for both teams! It was fun, I didnt know the boys on the Seguin Team but I knew their moms and dads and that made it fun, And I kept thinking God is the affirmation that I am doing what you want? Its exciting that in so many aspects of my life I am seeing my worlds mesh together, ironic or just divinely inspired? I choose to think that after almost 20 years of being gone from my hometown (i live up the road and my husband worked there for almost 30 years so I was always in town) I am now bringing the two together, being active in both towns and understanding that I can have allegiance to both.

I thought I have two homes, how lucky am I? Then I considered I have three homes and home really is where the heart is. The only home that matters is my home in Heaven when this life is done and being a part of the lives of one, two or three hometowns is just part of the incredible journey God has given me.

GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK to both CHS and SHS tonight but I have to say around here the same wager is in place as every year for the last 14 if SHS wins my husband, a CHS grad ('77) and my children have to do the famous cheer M-A-...M-A-T-A... M-A-T-A-D-O-R... MATADORS are what we are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO COOGS! GO MATADORS! LOVE YOU BOTH!

How do you have that?

2009-09-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met someone and you honestly walked away saying "WOW, I wonder what they have that I don't?" Not because they have a better car, or a bigger house but because the honestly glow, and just being in their presence makes you feel like you are a better person or at least you leave them thinking you could be a better person? I have met men and women like this and teenagers and even toddlers, they just have something special about them, fortunately I know what it is, they have the light of Christ in them. They honestly are shining the light of Christ into a trouble world.

I remember as a teen wanting to be like two women, one used to say that the Holy spirit put her bladder behind her eyes, I wanted to cry when I felt the touch or the gentle nudging of the spirit, I even asked for it. Well, I do feel it and I cry like a baby and sometimes I feel it when I pull into a parking lot because the mighty spirit is at work but then I still want the easy way in this life. You know I want to feel Gods hand in my life and I do. I have a desire for him to direct my life, oh of course I still struggle with the worldly or ungodly things I want in my life but I want it and I have it, but I want it to be easy. For example, I believe that when Jesus returns I will be called home and out of here before the world goes completely insane, but my son just asked me "wouldn't it be cool if you were the one God chose to leave behind to help lead the nations to him in those days following his return." My reply was "NO< I want to be gone"

He really thinks that would be the most amazing event if he was the one left behind so God could use him. I love the LORD and I cant wait to be in Heaven but how do we actually have that, that complete unselfishness that would allow the desire of our heart to be left and thrown into danger, thrown into a fire of unrest and a life where we could be killed for admitting that we follow GOD? So I sit at my computer and I think that's what are all called to do, we are called to stand out, we are called to put our trust in him and not of this world, We are called into the fire, we are called to be the light and carry the message. I can surrender a thousand times a day and ask God to use me but to think that I would ask for him to let me be used in a time where I would judged and punished by death for standing up and saying I BELIEVE IN YOU, man No I said I want to be home safe in Heaven. Well, I want to have that kind of desire, I want to be willing to lay my life down everyday, I want to be willing to be persecuted because I am a believer. I owe it to him after all, he gave his only son so I could have eternal life, so whats a little persecution, So the fire, and the world can't defeat me unless I allow it and I only allow it when I take my eyes off him and place my faith and trust in the World.

Just something to think about!

2009-09-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

We all have hard choices to make in life. It has always been easy for me to see what someone else needs to choose or the right choice for someone else but I struggle with choices that I know God wants me to make. I have had relationships in my life that I knew needed to let go or change the dynamics but I often fight against it. This last year I have endured GOD actually removing these people from life yet one of these negative influences have remained and for whatever the reason it has been up to me to end it. I have resisted for almost a year in ending this friendship, in fact I decided that I did not need to end it instead I just needed to change it or work it to my benefit, anything but actually lose this person. I love this friend very much. This morning while having breakfast with a friend she made a comment "what do I love more then Jesus?" I was appalled to think that there were at least 5 things in my life today that if I really stood and got honest I would have to say maybe I didnt love them more then Jesus but I definetly have not been obedient in resolving or letting go of these things.

Growing up we use to sing the song "separate me from what separates us" well I have to separate myself from those things that are keeping me from being fully what God wants me to be. The friendship that I have desprately needed to end I just end and not one single tear was shed by me, I feel free. It has made me question why when I have stood here before and hurt like this before and then let go and experienced freedom from finally standing in his glory I have resisted for so long. Human nature it is. I want what I cant have and like a child who we teach to share or discipline them when they make unwise or unsafe choices, that is just what I have been in God's eyes, his child that needed discipline. I am not sure if it is too late to reverse a series of events that I have allowed to be put into motion or to stop the hurt that might becoming my families way but I definetley know that I have helaing and restoration in front of me because I have finally been obedient. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt for months that I needed to do this but I tried everyway I could to remain in control and it hurt me, my family and countless others but thats all part of my story. I am glad because it was beautiful to remember what ultimate freedom feels like!

GOD BLESS, dont resist, embrace God plan for you today!

2009-09-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there is no way to express feelings, in fact sometimes I just have to admit that I am ANGRY! In those moments I have to be honest and say I wish I was a fire breathing dragon that could burn those who have angered me to a crisp. Oh but can't we do that even if we don't really breathe fire? I can. I am absolutely sure that once I am angry, if given the choice those I am angry at would choose a fire breathing dragon over my anger. I laugh now but haven't we all had those moments where we are like some crazy imaginary character brought to life in an instant, leaving us looking around going WOW where did that come from? I actually don't show my anger that often anymore, I have a bad habit of layering hurts, anger and other resentment on top of each other until I boil over and the fire breathing DRAGON is unleashed!

I am not proud of that anger, I know its not productive, but what is it exactly how do I deal with it. I would love to master the art of effectively letting someone know they have angered me yet still be gentle and never be the fire breathing dragon again.

Psalm 37:7-9 (New International Version)
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

So, I have to refrain from anger and be patient, anger leads to evil. You know the thing I am learning over and over is that one simple truth rings out we are called to be still and wait. I can't wait until I grasp that a little more. Funny isn't be still and wait yet I can't wait. I have always heard not to pray for patience but even if we don't ask for it, through and through time and time again God is going to teach us to be still and wait, and that mean even my fire breathing dragon needs to be still and wait!

GOD BLESS!

2009-09-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Often there is nothing more painful then actually letting something or someone go, I can' deny that it is a pain I would prefer not to endure but it is part of life. If handled the right way we can experience great growth. I often can be heard saying "Pain is just God getting us where we need to be" I guess I believe that if I was focused on him I wouldnt have the pain because my pain usually is self inflicted and I have to go through all kinds of ups and downs just so he can get me out of the mess I made.

Pain isnt fun but it sure can set us free. I am not completely sure when the freedom comes because sometimes it feels like if the pain lingers too long. I always want to change my course and return to what I want so maybe that is why the pain lingers. I do know that one of the greatest quotes I have heard in my years was made on a Wed night at Church by our Senior High pastor Brett he siad "Ultimate freedom comes under God's authority". So I will be free when I ultimately surrender? Well, I guess its time to get to the freedom and fly like bird released from her cage soaring high above all these earthly bound things..." You might have guessed that was from a song called spirit wings.

Let Freedom Ring! The battle has already been won it is simply up to us to accept the honor and prize of eternal life!

Regret

2009-09-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about movies, songs, poetry and other literary works as they relate to love, life and regret. We have all done something we are not proud of, hurt people we love and have some regrets, well at least I do. Because of who I am and things I have been taught I am fairly quick to admit that I am wrong but sometimes that is not enough. Neither is an apology, begging, pleading or anything else, sometimes we simply hurt those we love too much. Movies, songs poetry they all give us a sense of some great story where ultimate forgiveness is always found in the end. True love always wins out or good always conquers evil or even better from Love Story, "love means never having to say you are sorry..." If that is true I am in big trouble and I bet lots of you will be left with me bewildered at the simplest act that required an "I'm sorry". Dirty Dancing Jennifer Grays character says to her father in a monologue "if you love me like you say you do then you have to love all of me..." so which is it? Is love never disappointing or is it the simple truth that we do have to accept and love all of the other person? As a mother I can't imagine my child ever doing something so horrific that I could quit loving them, but other relationships are not so easy. Expectations, hurt, sorries, regret and loss are part of the price we take for risking our hearts. I used to think this was a risk we only took in romantic love but the truth is I have discovered to build any kind of a relationship with another human being we are putting ourselves at risk. I wish I could say its not worth it but like the 90's Garth Brooks song "The Dance" I Could have missed the pain but I'd had to missed the dance" I would prefer having the memory of the dance, or as Julia Roberts said in Steele Magnolias "I would rather have five minutes of passion then a lifetime of nothing"! I think we would all like to avoid the pain and the loss but what about the stuff in between? I would never want to have missed one moment of the laughs, the love, the warmth or the safety of a place that called me home like a beacon in the night, where when I laid my weary head down I knew I was safe, loved and precious. What about when you are the one that inflicted the pain or caused the end to come? I have a habit of reacting instead of taking action and sometimes the reaction cost me greatly. I have written alot this last year about it being my year of loss and the pain associated with that. I was recently given the opportunity to actually renew one of those lost relationships and I allowed my past my fear, my insecurities, my need to be in control to rob me of this second chance or in this case maybe the 20th chance. the truth is I have to learn from it. what do I learn? What did I learn? The past has alot more precious and treasured memories then those few bad that I am allowing to mold me, If I don't let the bad part of my past go I will continue hurting and restoration will not happen. The next time I have a chance to repair a relationship I better have my house in order or another chance will pass me by because my hurts and fears will be in control which really means I am in control not God. I keep learning and I keep coming back to the same place on my knees at the cross. He is faithful and he is my restorer, my healer and its time to let him heal me all of me. The past is to be learned from, the good things are to be treasured and the love we experience along the way are like precious jewels we keep close to our hearts but when we let regret, fear and insecurities control our past everything precious will be turned to a weapon and you only build more regrets and stockpile more pain. Instead its time to let go, and surrender and no matter what I may have lost what really matters now is the stuff in between. The love I had, the precious memories made along way and the only regret I can have at this point is if this time wasn't enough to stop the insanity, if this time the loss isn't enough to bring me to my knees and surrender. I have had enough pain and I think surrender is the way to go. So no matter how much I think my heart might really break, or how big the hole might be in my heart it will be much bigger if I don't change, because the only regret truly can only be if I make the same mistake again. I love the song Healer, "I believe you are my healer" So I raise up my hands and praise him through the pain and believe that my pain will be healed, even if it was self inflicted.

God Bless!

Sometimes

2009-09-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my Faith wavers, a bit! We all need comfort and we all need to feel support and love and when we don't feel it we seek to find "something", "anything" to fill the hole left inside of us. There are those who use food, alcohol, drugs, sex, anger, and a host of other options but what are we supposed to do? God wants us to lean on him and look to him. I have used almost everything to satisfy my need for acceptance, I can't say that I ever doubted there was a God but I have doubted that I was good enough for him to save which is in itself a act of not having Faith. I struggle with this.

Last night I attended a local trade show and was a moment for me that was filled with painful memories, good memories and a time when I was forced to face old friends, enemies (if you call them that) and most importantly myself. I had this incredible need to be supported, I wanted to be surrounded by those who loved me and I wanted more then anything to go back in time and be what was in the past, then I thought NO, When I left I did the following I began texting friends that love me, bought a diet coke and the biggest bag of M & M's. FOOD, better then drinking right, maybe or maybe not I have struggled with my weight my whole life so food is as dangerous as a drink or a drug. I need Faith and God has been building it now I have to hold onto it.

Today, I am praying, listening to beautiful songs and believing in MY GOD and trying to understand that Faith is like a fitness routine I have to practice it and work at it or it grows weak, but just like muscle has memory and comes back fast so does of our Faith. I have never doubted that there is a God but that is not enough I have to have FAITH that he HAS ME IN HIS EVERLASTING ARMS!

GOD BLESS!

When do we compromise?

2009-08-29T06:20:00.001-07:00

The world is far from perfect and so am I but it still would be nice to live without controversy or trials, or would it? I don't know what the world would be like if we did not have all the trials and tribulations, we are a world of imperfect people, making mistakes, filled with expectations and learning acceptance is the key to true happiness! I am not sure where I am supposed to find the strength to accept certain things but this must be a quest.

As a mother when do you know it is time to let go and let your young take on their own world, when is your child old enough to make a decision regarding who they love, when is it still the right time for a parent to step in and say enough is enough. How do we get through without people standing beside us and how do we make a change when we feel all alone? I think feeling alone might be just a consequence of isolating but the truth is none of us can do any of this alone. We will disagree with others choices and feelings will get hurt, we will be wronged and there will times that doing the right thing brings persecution and disapproval this is the true test of what we are made of. When doing the right thing brings persecution are we strong enough to survive, not compromising who we are for approval! I guess thats how it is with parenting too. I have to do what I believe what has worked till now and know when to pull back, when to let go and when to step in, yet perform the delicate balancing act of not compromising what I know to be true just to find approval in those who bring persecution and controversy!

God Bless have a beautiful day!

The Search is on!

2009-08-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

THE SEARCH IS ON

I grew up in church, I grew up in a Christian Home but I also grew up with Faith, a general or generic Faith I call it now. I had Blind Faith that God Sent his Son, That I was saved, That there was Heaven and Hell and that I knew right from wrong, follow the ten commandments, and don't ask questions. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS? So no questions and blind faith equaled the spiritual maturity level of the 8 year old little girl who asked Jesus to come and live in her heart when I was pushing 30! I didn't seek answers on my own, I was hungry for something in my life and tried to satisfy that hunger with everything and anything but the one thing that actually would satisfy it THE WORD OF GOD!

Proverbs 2:1-7
My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,
3 and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless

"Store up my commands within you..." Wow I need to store up Gods Word within me, I need to seek his word like I was looking for some great treasure, like a child on a treasure hunt, or like I was in the Movie National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Arc? Gods Word is a treasure and when we seek him how can we find him if we don't even know him? For me, I never questioned his existence but he was like some distant relative that I saw from a distance, I knew he loved me, I knew he sent his son to die for my sins, I knew there was Heaven and Hell but I didn't know him. I didn't know the stories of how he taught his children or how he provided unless it was some great miracle or the flood. I didn't know him.

When we were kids my cousin and I loved to climb on our grandfathers lap so he could read to us, Papa was a big man (not over weight big) But a farmer big, strong and steady, calm and soothing, he tended to each of us just like he tended to his crops, his gardens, He planted seeds, he watered and we grew, the seeds he planted in each of us are still sprouting sprouting some for the first time even over 8 years after his death because he planted, them, and we listened to him and we heard his words and hid them deep within us. It occurred to me that this is what My Heavenly father wants from me and how Blessed I was to have had an actual example. I can curl up and read his story, I can get to know him, I know who he is, I Can learn from the stories he had recorded for us, I can learn and I can hide his command deep within me and I will grow. I can fall in love with JESUS, I can know him, but I have to seek him. I want to know him, I am still hungry but I know that nothing else can touch that thirst or that hunger except getting to know God Fully, falling in Love with him and hiding his commands deep within me. I have searched for wisdom and clarity, I have sought to be Blameless but I couldn't be or have those things because I have not sought to know him fully when that began a new life began and because of the seeds he has sprouted up with in me the only way find my answers is to seek him, to continue falling in Love with him so the Search is on, not for answers for my trouble today, but to know him and to instill in me the commands of his words deep within me so when trouble comes my way I don't need to stop because he will be there in me and my choices will be from knowing his will in my life because I know him, Fall In love with him, if he knows every hair on our head shouldn't we get to know him?

Acceptance

2009-08-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Acceptance-

I have always struggled with acceptance and life being all about me, seriously unless it has to do with my kids I want people to see it my way because I often no most of the time I THINK MY WAY IS BEST! As part of my journey I have learned that I am not always right, I have also learned that justification usually means I am wrong. I am a self described "momma Bear" and I will fight for my kids if I believe they are being wronged but I also let them fight for themselves. I believe in the way I have been parenting and think the proof is "in the pudding"as they say as my boys are amazing young men. I struggle with the different ways parents raise their children, it used to be I struggled with families raising their children with out Christ now I struggle with Christian Familes and I think I must be a natural born debater and think I am so persuaisive which really means I am a great manipulater. I think parenting should be my way because I have such great kids, but when I really reflect on that I parent my boys differently. Nicc is my oldest and I can yell at him and bring him to his knees and all it does is make him feel bad so I can talk sternly calmly and effectively and we go far. Collin is my mentally tough little boy meaning he has been a challenge except for the fact that he is a good kid, there are still things I have to really get on him about, he hates yelling and basically I can take everything in the world away from him and he doesn't care (oh he does but he is not going to show you that you might have the upper hand) so with him I have always learned that spending quality time with him and working with him on whatever he needs is effective. I have had 15 years of practice and all I knew when they handed me my baby was all the things I didn't want to do as a parent and that I wanted them to respect me, love me and always know they could be honest with me, somehow we have accomplished that. I am proud of my boys, I dont ground them, I dont beat them, I talk to them and really try to figure out what is going on. I dont use their lives as a weapon. I hated that growing up that everytime their was something big coming up in my life it was always "if you dont do this you wony do that" ugh it was like oh yeah now I can control you, Nicc just does the best he can and is a bit of a "suck up" I think and Collin is more of "Yeah right like me or not I am ok with me" he is a great leader Nicc is a pacifier wanting to keep peace, wanting to be accepted.

So why am I writing this, well they are growing up and I am strugling with the acceptance of how other parent and how it affects my children. Example, my son has fallen in love over the last four months, and I never tell him if he doesnt do something he cant see her, I joke with him that he might be grounded from holding hands or her lips but they can see each other. He has spent all summer trying to help her do what is expected of her instead of griping about it. they have both done a beautiful job, school is starting and they are at different High Schools and as much as they have committed to helping one another before school even starts it seems they are being punished by not being able to see each other, and her parents are hoping that "He is just the weapon they need to get her on the right track academicaly." Ok so I have to accept that they parent however they want and respect that but see I want to see it my way which turns it around and makes it about my son and what he is losing when he done nothing but be PERFECT to a fault. There have been tons of expectations put on him as this beautiful girls boyfriend and he has come to deal with them very well but now I feel as if he is being punished for soemthing I don't understand. the truth is this is about acceptance of the difference in parenting. Acceptance that we do thing sour way and they do things their way and meshing the two together is some kind of harmonious relationship. Well, that leads me to acceptance.

Genesis 4:7If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.

"Job 2:10He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

THese two scriptures say to me that I have to accept. I accept all the Blessings the Lord has for me, I even ask for them but that also means I have to accept the trials that come my way because he is Lord and has Blessed me. It also means that watching my son struglle to do what is right and not be in agreement with the way things are happening now means that he is doing things right or he is at least trying. Not to say the parents are sinning but they have their reasons and those are not for me to know! This is just our life and acceptance is full of unaswered questions and all we get to do is in the Lord and we get to pray for wisdom and acceptance. Simple, not hardly but definitely educational. We never know when we will be validated or receive affirmation for our actions but even as I sit here typing this thought my boys returned from the store with a card "You are my night light" on the front and then both had written me a little note thanking me for all I do but mainly my support. I lvoe who they are and their openess and their ability to show appreciation, and be real with me. I don't know but I think I am doing something right!

Where do you go from here?

2009-08-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

Ok so there are many times that I ask that question but I do it these days with a loving heart and the desire to seek Gods will in my life, or do I? When I was married the first time (my starter marriage) his aunt used to say that the ultimate use of our "Free Agency" (God's gift of free will) was to surrender it and let God lead us. I like to think I do that but I am still getting in the way of wht God wants me to do, because I doubt myself which in relaity is doubting him. GOd's will in my life is so unclear to me but I know what my will is. Today I again humble myself before my Father in Heaven and ask him to lead me to his will! It is not that I don't believe because I do, I don't doubt that he is there, I doubt my ability to know truth from lies! I doubt myself because I allowed satan years ago to manipulate everything I knew about the Bible, Everything I knew about my faith and let myself believe that it no longer applied to me in fact I convinced myself I had become "the dead forgotten seed..." Now had I become the dead forgotten seed, No but I let myself be convinced that since I knew truth, and I knew the Lord that I was cast out because I did not follow! WOW, now I let that time in my life lead me to doubt! There is a song I love, Lead me to the Cross, Today, I ask that "Father in Heaven, Lead me to the cross. Let me hear your words, let me know your will for my life. Lord help me to know that you will provide, Let me surrender my doubt. Help me break free from the chains of deciet, and Lord give me the strength to right my wrongs and lead me to a place that will allow such things. Lord, give me peace and free me from the bondage of approval. Lord help me to rest in your arms knowing that you are all I need. Let me know when to say no, and Father give me the strength and the clarity needed to know what your calling is on my life! AMEN!

Surrendering my need to be affirmed, appreciated and loved is about the hardest thing I have had to face yet. We all want to be loved, aprreciated but for me I search for it I long for it and I will go to extremes to get it because I need it so much. I know it comes from my family a generational curse passed down, I see it, I know it, but I can't stop it until today and I have no doubt I will struggle many days to lay it down completely but I will never find the affirmation I seek from my mother (that is its own day its own struggle and definetly coming once I search and study Genrational Curses) but I can be healed. Another Song is Healer and I do believe God is my healer. I keep waiting to come to the end of my journey but the truth is now that the scales have fallen from my eyes it just beggining!!

OK, Lets face another day!

Whatever

2009-08-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

We all say it, but does anyone know what it really means? I didn't until recently. Last year right at the start of a terrible year my best friend gave me a coffee cup that said "WHATEVER" jus the other day I actually looked at the cup and read the bilble Verse associated with "whatever",

Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

So biblically if we say whatever we are rejecting whatever is not true, noble, just, pure, lovely etc., We are saying no to impurity of the world and promising to to only allow Godly thoughts and actions into our lives. Can you believe that? Talk about changing the meaning of "Whatever". So I won't take "whatever" for granted anymore, when I say it I mean it. I reject the impurity of this world and say I only will allow Whatever is of God in my mind, heart and life!