So it has been a long time since I wrote, I may not even have it in me anymore. Life has been chaos, on September 1 of last year Granny living with us and her son needing to take care of her, she is his only child became just too much for me to handle so I moved out. James was left to take care of her alone and figure out what to do. Needless to say there have been a few million hurts along the way. In October our precious boys were in a car accident that should have claimed their lives but the one constant that always remains is God is always there he circled angels around them and they climb safely up the 75 foot embankment they rolled down. Oh Nicc had to have 12 stitches in his head and Collin was bruised but for the most part they are simply as they always have been my precious miracles.

Now I will say caring for an aging parent could be tough on any marriage but one that had been plagued with as much as James and I have been through over the last few years, it really took its toll. James struggles to balance his mothers care even though he has placed her in assisted living and I struggle to find myself after the torment and fear I lived in. Collin is an amazing kid who seems to withstand it all, NIcc at the critical age of becoming a man has endured some deep hurts. We are working on them to help him heal. I wish this was one of my stories of triumph but it is a story of finding my way back to God. As I listened to music from BIG STUFF a camp I attended 2 years in a row with my sons youth group I began to see some clarity. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know where this part of my journey where lead me but I do know I have to find my way back to the cross and that I do believe that God is my Healer. Just love those songs. I also realize that I carry deep emotional scars from when I was 17 and started making bad choices, which I layered with lies to keep hidden from the world. When Success came my way I flourished in it and lapped it up like a dog drinking water, I praised God but when He took it from me, I never understood then move any mom in with you and hey things might get a little tricky. There are alot of rumors or versions of the story floating around out there but let me tell you all this, there is blame on many and forgiveness awaits. I ask that those who once rallied around us do so again through your prayers, God can move mountains and I don't know which ones he will move but the first one I pray is swift and quick reuniting of Nicc and James. They were best friends and love each other so much its hard watching them try to find their way home. As for me just pray for me to hear God clearly and to the next right thing. Oh and I pray for each of you to lift James up in healing of his back he has been unable to work for over a year and for his mom, for her peace.

God Bless you all!

Letting go

Haven't blogged again in a while, we have been very busy. My mother-in-law moved in with us in March and the beginning of the discovery of a deceitful disease called Dementia and Alzheimer’s began. I can't tell you the hours we spent thinking that at 71 she was just a very stubborn woman that only wanted things her way, doctors told us she scored low and definitely had Dementia, later after MRI's we were given proof that significant changes were occurring in her brain and Alzheimer’s was present. Call it denial if you will, but we just believed that she could understand and if we talked long enough even arguing at times we could help her understand that she was making decisions that did not make sense. We began construction on our house to build her a mother-in-law suite believing all along that while she needed help she would get better. Doctor after doctor we sought an answer. First, the neurologist, then a new family physician, a psychological evaluation, and finally a Geriatric counselor and the result, no matter what I promised her, she will only get worse, there is no miracle treatment and whether next week or next year eventually she will have no memory of us. Through out the months we have laughed and shaken our heads at her reasoning and my husband has begged his mother saying "I just want my mom back", then the shock, the acceptance that his mother, the woman he knew, who loved him, trusted him and raised the father of my children, the gentle man who can with his sincerity and gentle spirit and diffuse any heated situation was becoming angry and resentful. I watched his eyes yesterday as I saw the understanding sweep over him, his mother, the mom he loved, who taught him to fish, and helped him rebuild engines on cars, the mother who taught him loyalty and honesty, the woman that he trusted with his entire life to hold his secrets, the mother who gave him life was gone. Gone without being dead, her mind slipping away and for whatever reason no matter how many prayers, how many prayers of healing how much it was claimed her path for the rest of her journey on this earth would include a slow progression of disease that would turn this wonderful servant of the lord into a woman who would be distrusting, full of worry and who will eventually forget the son she fought to bring into the world. The reality shook me to my soul and I fell apart when he needed me most, I was faced with breaking promises to her, we can not care for her and our children, and support ourselves yet I promised her no nursing homes, But she deserves peace, and to be loved and to get the best care possible and accepting that we are not capable of providing the care she needs. So here I sit after a long night of tears and prayers, and I wonder how we let go and today she is the sweet gentle spirit that she once was but when life throws a curve ball and something complex face her it can change as easily as turning off a light switch. We agree she needs 24 hour care and we can't give her that but how many days we will miss of her being her but how many heartaches will we miss by getting her the care she deserves. There are no easy answers, Just the promise of Eternity where her mind will be restored, on streets pave of Gold where she will one day be restored and her prayers answered and standing in the glory of our Savior she will walk into the arms of the man she loved her whole life, and all her pain and torment of a mind that failed her will be forgotten and some how I think they will sit on the banks of the most picturesque "fishing hole" her and her sweetie and he and his "Jesus girl" loving like all the days before, and they will pass the time in love and happiness until the day Jesus calls us all home and we are once again a family. Until then, we find peace in the promise of eternity! God Bless

The dicitionary defines a grandmother as " a female grandparent" but that doesn't quite define the role many grandmothers play in our lives. I lost my grandmother this week and all I can think of is all she stood for, who she was and the gifts she gave. She gave all of her grandchildren two incredible gifts one she gave us the foundation we needed for a personal relationship with our Savior and then she gave us our grandfather and beloved Papa! Togther they provided refuge from the lives we lived. She was a nurse in her soul to her core and while she could band aid our scrapes, or pack a wound she longed to heal our souls. She was a strong and firm almost intolerable at times in her expectations of us. Truth was golden and even if you thought you might have shielded her from the wrongs in your life her discernement was so finely tuned she knew, she knew our hearts, she knew our lives. She like every woman who walks this earth was far from perfect. She lived with one dream her deepest desire to see he children and grandchildren love one another and find peace. My Kackau was a professsional to her core and my greatest honor was working along side her at Guadalupe Valley hospital now Guadalupe Regional. As a candy striper I felt like a superstar because Vera Beyer was my grandmother and when all the candy stripers gathered to eat at a table together  I enjoyed lunch with the nurses. I walked the halls knowing that the most incredible nurse was mine personally. Oh she was compassionate but she was firm. As a young teen and young adult she seemed crazy and like her expectations were unattainable but today as a mother she was everything I am. She prayed and when she knew I might not be telling the truth she never let me get away with it, she held me accountable. I heard someone say once she was like a hammer pounding in right and wrong, I too have been called "the Hammer" what an honor to be like her. She was funny too, I recall working at Wuest an old grocery store she dressed p n halloween and scared us all we thought she was a robber, but no it was my grandmother coming to trick or treat me. I never wore s store bought formal she made me beautiful dresses and I never had to worry about anyone else looking like me. When I moved to California and called to tell her I was preganant she flew to see me to celebrate with me and take me on one of her shopping sprees. In High School when I wrecked my car the EMT's knew her well so in the days before cell phones they radioed the hospital and my Kacka and my Papa came to get me. I never missed a trip to church camp or choir tour, I always had shoes on my feet and when I delievered my youngest son she gave up six weeks of her life to pack and care for a wound caused from an infection after my c-section, packing it daily and loving me. SHe taught me how to choose clothes to make me look pretty no matter what size I happened to be. I wish I knew how many teeth she paid to have straigntened or how many wisdom teeth she paid to have pulled. All my memories all my love I remember her telling me sh eloved me even though she never had to play mommy to me because I had one. I remember with tears in my eyes when she told me that my husband James was exactly who GOd wanted me to marry because not only did he ask my parents to marry me he asked her and my Papa if he cold marry me and NIccolas. She taught Niccolas to call James Daddy and no matter how hard she tried James refused to let her pay for the adoption but she loved him even more. She loved my children, she loved me and if I am firm, strong and hold those around me accountable then I learned it from her and that is my greatest honor a treasured gift. She is gone now, but who I am is so much a part of her. In her and Papa's death she gave me my greatest gift of all she gave me a sister, she gave me my best friend through a spiritual bond that can not be broken. She gave me Papa, she gave me accountabiltiy and she gave me my special sister, my friend. If your grandmother is here look to her learn her lessons, see what you want to be like her. I wouldn't change the qualtities of her I carry with me. I wouldnt' change the the joy I saw in her when she knew I was honest and I am proud that the one gift I gave her was my sobriety, her dream for her family. Her love for me understood that my recovery must be protected and she loved me, I know it hurt her when I wasn't around but she wanted me to give her great-grandsons the gift of that life. TO my beautiful grandmother, rest in the arms of Papa and know I have an added angel. We love you!

THE POTTY DANCE!

I haven't blogged in a while again but there are some stories I just have to share! First let me share that my mother-in-law has been living with us for the last couple of months. She was diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimers, OCD, Anxiety, Depression and maybe a few other things. She is as she says "Just an old country woman" raised in a barn, on the farm or the cotton fields, the point is she is not sophisticated but has a sweet heart and Loves the Lord but she can and does provide unexpected entertainment. Tonight was actually CLASSIC.

We live in the country so not much happens but oh not tonight there were sherriffs deputies next door and like good Nosey neighbors we were outside trying to see what was happening. My sweet mother in law laid on my porch which is VERY visible to the neighbors, while my sons and their dad played basketball and I watered to trees and washed off the sidewalk. Of course all of this was just an effort to seem busy I admit thought I was watching all that was going on next door when suddenly my 71 year old mother in law stands up and in her thick accent and not se quiet announces "I have to make potty but I don't want miss anything shhh over there" As she does this she is patting her self and holding her pants jus tlike a toddler the deputies next door are staring straight at us as I stand with a water hose staring at her about to die laughing as she continues to do her jig while grabbing her self repeating she needs to potty all I could think was "DO THE POTTY... DANCE"

I finally got her inside with the promise I would tell her if anything happened while she pottied. As she went into the house I exploded with laughter seriously you cant even make this stuff up! I said a few weeks ago I am the proud mother of a 12,16 and NOW A very Energetic 71 year old! GO ME... and I thought I had no use for the Potty Dance! NOT I like the TWATTY dance though! What a blessing to have innocence around again though because all who have heard the story have enjoyed a much needed laugh! Good night Friends!

Well, time has slipped away again and here I am wondering where did it go? I wish it was because life has been boring but that would not be the case. I am of course busy as always running kids to tennis, basketball church and trying to rebuild my business, we are trying to sell one of the houses we own in hopes to bring some financial relief our way and then a couple of weeks ago I noticed twitches in my face, hands and feet again. Last week my head hurt and the twitches grew more and more frequent and Saturday by mid day I noticed that I had lost my sense of taste and my tongue felt strange. I said to my husband “It’s happening again” we were on our way to a basketball game but I called my doctor and asked for some prednisone. I woke in the middle of the night Saturday to find paralysis setting in on my right side. My face was drooping and the pains shooting from behind my ear down my right side were pretty fierce. Well today is Tuesday and I have no movement on the right side of my face and my right arm is weak, the pain shoots out from behind my ear and pulses rapidly down my extremities almost matching the sensations I have on my left side except the neuropathy on my left side feels almost more like your hand or foot when it falls asleep and is trying to wake up mixed with shooting nails being fired at random intervals. The pain I can tolerate I hate steroids, I hate the other meds they have me on and I hate the loss of taste. Now let’s think about this I can’t really taste so I am eating everything in sight trying to find something that taste really good. Isn’t that hysterical? I know it is not going to taste the same so why am I searching? The mind is a glorious thing isn’t it? Something else I guess I had forgotten from last time is this how many simple tasks we take for granted, talking for one but being able to pucker my lips for a kiss, brush my teeth, eat without drooling and most importantly smile. I remember last time I was the happiest I had been in a really long time but I couldn’t smile and again I can’t smile at my kids well I can but it looks kind of scary instead of a happy smile. Talking well, I can be quiet for a while I will just write more but smiling I like to smile so in all this my thoughts for you today are don’t hesitate to smile at those you love or even strangers you never know when you might not be able to smile again. A lady smiled and waved at me as we were driving home from the doctor earlier and when I tried to smile back she look in shock and I thought she has no idea, she probably thinks I am one of those road rage people or something, her smile was so noticeable to me because why, because I couldn’t do it myself, something I take for granted and I have lost the ability before but I forgot in just 3 short years how much it means to be able to smile. So Smile my friends! God Bless!

WOW, it is really 2010! I haven't blogged in a while again and I have missed it. The reason I haven't blogged is I recieved an email that accused me of writing nothing but "self-praise" in both the magazine and here on my blog. For many years I didn't share my stories, and did not come out of the shadows when it came to my writings when I did write. The last few years I have been finding my legs and have been a bit bolder willing to share glimpses into who I really am. I never wanted praise or for people to take it that way so the email really hurt me. I had to step back and think about it. The reality for me and just  for me is that the author of the email said many things that were not only hurtful but untrue, they also come from someone who feels they have been hurt by me. It goes back to perception of events part of my past, my present and unfortunately will to some extent be part of my future. I can not change their perception of me or the things they feel I have done to "wrong" or cause harm to them. I can't even blame the author for the things that were said or harbor any ill feelings toward the author because it is their reality, their perception of events, right or wrong they own their own feelings and I own mine. I don't want credit for the stories I tell, in fact I believe that most sane people would keep much of what I share close and not broadcast it to the world but over the last decade God has been teaching me and showing me what he wants from me, and part of my obedience is to share my stories, and not what I did but what he did. God is the one who deserves the praise, not me. The only thing I have ever done is when I run out of ME OPTIONS I surrender and he performs miracles. I am not anything but a woman who loves her Savior and is blessed to know him, and thankful for his grace in my life and I want to share what he has done in my life because he has asked me too. So I will began pounding away on the keyboard again, and I will share writings from my heart and I will continue to expose my flaws, my defects and HIS AMAZING GRACE in my life. Be Blessed and Happy New Year!

I am breathing so much easier this morning! It’s a funny thing how I know the answer is always there, I know God holds the future and yet I struggle to trust. A friend of mine told me earlier this year that when I feel like that I need to walk around repeating over and over in my head "I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus." I have employed that many times, I do trust in my heart but my mind gets in the way, thinking of all the things that could go wrong, all the people I have to make happy, everyone depending on me and I want to know I can live up to that; a daunting task to say the least to put that much pressure on myself. Well, like every time I worry GOD performs his miracles and I am blown away by his mercy, his grace and how he works.

The latest edition of the magazine is out and it also premieres the newest publication as a flip cover, which I thought was this great idea which ultimately it was however it came with its own set of trials. When it was finally delivered by air cargo because of missed deadlines, my nerves were all but shot waiting to see the finished product. My printers press broke which meant we had to use a different machine, my cover printed very poorly and the cover model looked as if she was translucent on the glossier paper, we switched out covers. The issue looked great but of course there were or are a few unsatisfied clients out there. This is where I am not a good business woman because I want everyone happy. I struggle with making business decisions and facing dissatisfied clients. I literally lose sleep over it. So yesterday the original cover model was quite upset, I was with my kids and unable to deal with the situation and I got very upset when I heard this voice "Do you trust me?" Which I had to reply "Yes Jesus I do", I have to trust that the decisions we made were the right ones because we don’t do anything personally or professionally without talking it over with the man upstairs but with all the knowledge and experiences I wonder why do I doubt? It is so hard to admit that I doubt but I do. I believe in my father in Heaven, I do trust him but yet I don't because I let the world get in the way, I let life get in the way. My mother-in-law is almost 70 and when the world gets too much and she doesn't trust what she is doing she will literally go to bed until she KNOWS what GOD wants her to do. I have known her to not answer the phone, or come out of her room for a couple of days as she goes into a time of fasting and prayer. Sometimes I wish I could do that but I can't, with kids, a husband and a business, so I get to just pray and be Blessed that GOD knows my heart and that he continues to work on me and show me how he handles things. It makes me think about my own kids and how I have experienced exactly what they are going through but they don't get that I have the answer so I have to wait for them to get it; I guess that’s exactly how God feels!

Be Blessed and remember when all else fails repeat "I trust you Jesus" over and over it does help!