Going home!

Going home! What does going home mean? Home is where the heart is so they say. We grow up in "hometowns" then we make a home for a family and going home is something we do daily, we run our daily lives and rush through the door of our homes to do all the things we have to do as moms and wives to make a home. This morning I was considering that my High School (SHS) plays my boys school CHS tonight and that its homecoming for Seguin. How ironic, it is that just as I prepare to essentially return Home to Seguin with the launch of Women of Seguin that my tow worlds will meet for homecoming tonight on a football field! Last week my youngest son started his pee-wee football game against who, A SEGUIN TEAM, I think I recognized to some level everyone of the coaches, I cheered for both teams! It was fun, I didnt know the boys on the Seguin Team but I knew their moms and dads and that made it fun, And I kept thinking God is the affirmation that I am doing what you want? Its exciting that in so many aspects of my life I am seeing my worlds mesh together, ironic or just divinely inspired? I choose to think that after almost 20 years of being gone from my hometown (i live up the road and my husband worked there for almost 30 years so I was always in town) I am now bringing the two together, being active in both towns and understanding that I can have allegiance to both.

I thought I have two homes, how lucky am I? Then I considered I have three homes and home really is where the heart is. The only home that matters is my home in Heaven when this life is done and being a part of the lives of one, two or three hometowns is just part of the incredible journey God has given me.

GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK to both CHS and SHS tonight but I have to say around here the same wager is in place as every year for the last 14 if SHS wins my husband, a CHS grad ('77) and my children have to do the famous cheer M-A-...M-A-T-A... M-A-T-A-D-O-R... MATADORS are what we are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO COOGS! GO MATADORS! LOVE YOU BOTH!

How do you have that?

Have you ever met someone and you honestly walked away saying "WOW, I wonder what they have that I don't?" Not because they have a better car, or a bigger house but because the honestly glow, and just being in their presence makes you feel like you are a better person or at least you leave them thinking you could be a better person? I have met men and women like this and teenagers and even toddlers, they just have something special about them, fortunately I know what it is, they have the light of Christ in them. They honestly are shining the light of Christ into a trouble world.

I remember as a teen wanting to be like two women, one used to say that the Holy spirit put her bladder behind her eyes, I wanted to cry when I felt the touch or the gentle nudging of the spirit, I even asked for it. Well, I do feel it and I cry like a baby and sometimes I feel it when I pull into a parking lot because the mighty spirit is at work but then I still want the easy way in this life. You know I want to feel Gods hand in my life and I do. I have a desire for him to direct my life, oh of course I still struggle with the worldly or ungodly things I want in my life but I want it and I have it, but I want it to be easy. For example, I believe that when Jesus returns I will be called home and out of here before the world goes completely insane, but my son just asked me "wouldn't it be cool if you were the one God chose to leave behind to help lead the nations to him in those days following his return." My reply was "NO< I want to be gone"

He really thinks that would be the most amazing event if he was the one left behind so God could use him. I love the LORD and I cant wait to be in Heaven but how do we actually have that, that complete unselfishness that would allow the desire of our heart to be left and thrown into danger, thrown into a fire of unrest and a life where we could be killed for admitting that we follow GOD? So I sit at my computer and I think that's what are all called to do, we are called to stand out, we are called to put our trust in him and not of this world, We are called into the fire, we are called to be the light and carry the message. I can surrender a thousand times a day and ask God to use me but to think that I would ask for him to let me be used in a time where I would judged and punished by death for standing up and saying I BELIEVE IN YOU, man No I said I want to be home safe in Heaven. Well, I want to have that kind of desire, I want to be willing to lay my life down everyday, I want to be willing to be persecuted because I am a believer. I owe it to him after all, he gave his only son so I could have eternal life, so whats a little persecution, So the fire, and the world can't defeat me unless I allow it and I only allow it when I take my eyes off him and place my faith and trust in the World.

Just something to think about!

We all have hard choices to make in life. It has always been easy for me to see what someone else needs to choose or the right choice for someone else but I struggle with choices that I know God wants me to make. I have had relationships in my life that I knew needed to let go or change the dynamics but I often fight against it. This last year I have endured GOD actually removing these people from life yet one of these negative influences have remained and for whatever the reason it has been up to me to end it. I have resisted for almost a year in ending this friendship, in fact I decided that I did not need to end it instead I just needed to change it or work it to my benefit, anything but actually lose this person. I love this friend very much. This morning while having breakfast with a friend she made a comment "what do I love more then Jesus?" I was appalled to think that there were at least 5 things in my life today that if I really stood and got honest I would have to say maybe I didnt love them more then Jesus but I definetly have not been obedient in resolving or letting go of these things.

Growing up we use to sing the song "separate me from what separates us" well I have to separate myself from those things that are keeping me from being fully what God wants me to be. The friendship that I have desprately needed to end I just end and not one single tear was shed by me, I feel free. It has made me question why when I have stood here before and hurt like this before and then let go and experienced freedom from finally standing in his glory I have resisted for so long. Human nature it is. I want what I cant have and like a child who we teach to share or discipline them when they make unwise or unsafe choices, that is just what I have been in God's eyes, his child that needed discipline. I am not sure if it is too late to reverse a series of events that I have allowed to be put into motion or to stop the hurt that might becoming my families way but I definetley know that I have helaing and restoration in front of me because I have finally been obedient. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt for months that I needed to do this but I tried everyway I could to remain in control and it hurt me, my family and countless others but thats all part of my story. I am glad because it was beautiful to remember what ultimate freedom feels like!

GOD BLESS, dont resist, embrace God plan for you today!

Sometimes there is no way to express feelings, in fact sometimes I just have to admit that I am ANGRY! In those moments I have to be honest and say I wish I was a fire breathing dragon that could burn those who have angered me to a crisp. Oh but can't we do that even if we don't really breathe fire? I can. I am absolutely sure that once I am angry, if given the choice those I am angry at would choose a fire breathing dragon over my anger. I laugh now but haven't we all had those moments where we are like some crazy imaginary character brought to life in an instant, leaving us looking around going WOW where did that come from? I actually don't show my anger that often anymore, I have a bad habit of layering hurts, anger and other resentment on top of each other until I boil over and the fire breathing DRAGON is unleashed!

I am not proud of that anger, I know its not productive, but what is it exactly how do I deal with it. I would love to master the art of effectively letting someone know they have angered me yet still be gentle and never be the fire breathing dragon again.

Psalm 37:7-9 (New International Version)
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

So, I have to refrain from anger and be patient, anger leads to evil. You know the thing I am learning over and over is that one simple truth rings out we are called to be still and wait. I can't wait until I grasp that a little more. Funny isn't be still and wait yet I can't wait. I have always heard not to pray for patience but even if we don't ask for it, through and through time and time again God is going to teach us to be still and wait, and that mean even my fire breathing dragon needs to be still and wait!

GOD BLESS!

Often there is nothing more painful then actually letting something or someone go, I can' deny that it is a pain I would prefer not to endure but it is part of life. If handled the right way we can experience great growth. I often can be heard saying "Pain is just God getting us where we need to be" I guess I believe that if I was focused on him I wouldnt have the pain because my pain usually is self inflicted and I have to go through all kinds of ups and downs just so he can get me out of the mess I made.

Pain isnt fun but it sure can set us free. I am not completely sure when the freedom comes because sometimes it feels like if the pain lingers too long. I always want to change my course and return to what I want so maybe that is why the pain lingers. I do know that one of the greatest quotes I have heard in my years was made on a Wed night at Church by our Senior High pastor Brett he siad "Ultimate freedom comes under God's authority". So I will be free when I ultimately surrender? Well, I guess its time to get to the freedom and fly like bird released from her cage soaring high above all these earthly bound things..." You might have guessed that was from a song called spirit wings.

Let Freedom Ring! The battle has already been won it is simply up to us to accept the honor and prize of eternal life!

Regret

I have been thinking about movies, songs, poetry and other literary works as they relate to love, life and regret. We have all done something we are not proud of, hurt people we love and have some regrets, well at least I do. Because of who I am and things I have been taught I am fairly quick to admit that I am wrong but sometimes that is not enough. Neither is an apology, begging, pleading or anything else, sometimes we simply hurt those we love too much. Movies, songs poetry they all give us a sense of some great story where ultimate forgiveness is always found in the end. True love always wins out or good always conquers evil or even better from Love Story, "love means never having to say you are sorry..." If that is true I am in big trouble and I bet lots of you will be left with me bewildered at the simplest act that required an "I'm sorry". Dirty Dancing Jennifer Grays character says to her father in a monologue "if you love me like you say you do then you have to love all of me..." so which is it? Is love never disappointing or is it the simple truth that we do have to accept and love all of the other person? As a mother I can't imagine my child ever doing something so horrific that I could quit loving them, but other relationships are not so easy. Expectations, hurt, sorries, regret and loss are part of the price we take for risking our hearts. I used to think this was a risk we only took in romantic love but the truth is I have discovered to build any kind of a relationship with another human being we are putting ourselves at risk. I wish I could say its not worth it but like the 90's Garth Brooks song "The Dance" I Could have missed the pain but I'd had to missed the dance" I would prefer having the memory of the dance, or as Julia Roberts said in Steele Magnolias "I would rather have five minutes of passion then a lifetime of nothing"! I think we would all like to avoid the pain and the loss but what about the stuff in between? I would never want to have missed one moment of the laughs, the love, the warmth or the safety of a place that called me home like a beacon in the night, where when I laid my weary head down I knew I was safe, loved and precious. What about when you are the one that inflicted the pain or caused the end to come? I have a habit of reacting instead of taking action and sometimes the reaction cost me greatly. I have written alot this last year about it being my year of loss and the pain associated with that. I was recently given the opportunity to actually renew one of those lost relationships and I allowed my past my fear, my insecurities, my need to be in control to rob me of this second chance or in this case maybe the 20th chance. the truth is I have to learn from it. what do I learn? What did I learn? The past has alot more precious and treasured memories then those few bad that I am allowing to mold me, If I don't let the bad part of my past go I will continue hurting and restoration will not happen. The next time I have a chance to repair a relationship I better have my house in order or another chance will pass me by because my hurts and fears will be in control which really means I am in control not God. I keep learning and I keep coming back to the same place on my knees at the cross. He is faithful and he is my restorer, my healer and its time to let him heal me all of me. The past is to be learned from, the good things are to be treasured and the love we experience along the way are like precious jewels we keep close to our hearts but when we let regret, fear and insecurities control our past everything precious will be turned to a weapon and you only build more regrets and stockpile more pain. Instead its time to let go, and surrender and no matter what I may have lost what really matters now is the stuff in between. The love I had, the precious memories made along way and the only regret I can have at this point is if this time wasn't enough to stop the insanity, if this time the loss isn't enough to bring me to my knees and surrender. I have had enough pain and I think surrender is the way to go. So no matter how much I think my heart might really break, or how big the hole might be in my heart it will be much bigger if I don't change, because the only regret truly can only be if I make the same mistake again. I love the song Healer, "I believe you are my healer" So I raise up my hands and praise him through the pain and believe that my pain will be healed, even if it was self inflicted.

God Bless!

Sometimes

Sometimes my Faith wavers, a bit! We all need comfort and we all need to feel support and love and when we don't feel it we seek to find "something", "anything" to fill the hole left inside of us. There are those who use food, alcohol, drugs, sex, anger, and a host of other options but what are we supposed to do? God wants us to lean on him and look to him. I have used almost everything to satisfy my need for acceptance, I can't say that I ever doubted there was a God but I have doubted that I was good enough for him to save which is in itself a act of not having Faith. I struggle with this.

Last night I attended a local trade show and was a moment for me that was filled with painful memories, good memories and a time when I was forced to face old friends, enemies (if you call them that) and most importantly myself. I had this incredible need to be supported, I wanted to be surrounded by those who loved me and I wanted more then anything to go back in time and be what was in the past, then I thought NO, When I left I did the following I began texting friends that love me, bought a diet coke and the biggest bag of M & M's. FOOD, better then drinking right, maybe or maybe not I have struggled with my weight my whole life so food is as dangerous as a drink or a drug. I need Faith and God has been building it now I have to hold onto it.

Today, I am praying, listening to beautiful songs and believing in MY GOD and trying to understand that Faith is like a fitness routine I have to practice it and work at it or it grows weak, but just like muscle has memory and comes back fast so does of our Faith. I have never doubted that there is a God but that is not enough I have to have FAITH that he HAS ME IN HIS EVERLASTING ARMS!

GOD BLESS!