Letting go

Haven't blogged again in a while, we have been very busy. My mother-in-law moved in with us in March and the beginning of the discovery of a deceitful disease called Dementia and Alzheimer’s began. I can't tell you the hours we spent thinking that at 71 she was just a very stubborn woman that only wanted things her way, doctors told us she scored low and definitely had Dementia, later after MRI's we were given proof that significant changes were occurring in her brain and Alzheimer’s was present. Call it denial if you will, but we just believed that she could understand and if we talked long enough even arguing at times we could help her understand that she was making decisions that did not make sense. We began construction on our house to build her a mother-in-law suite believing all along that while she needed help she would get better. Doctor after doctor we sought an answer. First, the neurologist, then a new family physician, a psychological evaluation, and finally a Geriatric counselor and the result, no matter what I promised her, she will only get worse, there is no miracle treatment and whether next week or next year eventually she will have no memory of us. Through out the months we have laughed and shaken our heads at her reasoning and my husband has begged his mother saying "I just want my mom back", then the shock, the acceptance that his mother, the woman he knew, who loved him, trusted him and raised the father of my children, the gentle man who can with his sincerity and gentle spirit and diffuse any heated situation was becoming angry and resentful. I watched his eyes yesterday as I saw the understanding sweep over him, his mother, the mom he loved, who taught him to fish, and helped him rebuild engines on cars, the mother who taught him loyalty and honesty, the woman that he trusted with his entire life to hold his secrets, the mother who gave him life was gone. Gone without being dead, her mind slipping away and for whatever reason no matter how many prayers, how many prayers of healing how much it was claimed her path for the rest of her journey on this earth would include a slow progression of disease that would turn this wonderful servant of the lord into a woman who would be distrusting, full of worry and who will eventually forget the son she fought to bring into the world. The reality shook me to my soul and I fell apart when he needed me most, I was faced with breaking promises to her, we can not care for her and our children, and support ourselves yet I promised her no nursing homes, But she deserves peace, and to be loved and to get the best care possible and accepting that we are not capable of providing the care she needs. So here I sit after a long night of tears and prayers, and I wonder how we let go and today she is the sweet gentle spirit that she once was but when life throws a curve ball and something complex face her it can change as easily as turning off a light switch. We agree she needs 24 hour care and we can't give her that but how many days we will miss of her being her but how many heartaches will we miss by getting her the care she deserves. There are no easy answers, Just the promise of Eternity where her mind will be restored, on streets pave of Gold where she will one day be restored and her prayers answered and standing in the glory of our Savior she will walk into the arms of the man she loved her whole life, and all her pain and torment of a mind that failed her will be forgotten and some how I think they will sit on the banks of the most picturesque "fishing hole" her and her sweetie and he and his "Jesus girl" loving like all the days before, and they will pass the time in love and happiness until the day Jesus calls us all home and we are once again a family. Until then, we find peace in the promise of eternity! God Bless