I am breathing so much easier this morning! It’s a funny thing how I know the answer is always there, I know God holds the future and yet I struggle to trust. A friend of mine told me earlier this year that when I feel like that I need to walk around repeating over and over in my head "I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus." I have employed that many times, I do trust in my heart but my mind gets in the way, thinking of all the things that could go wrong, all the people I have to make happy, everyone depending on me and I want to know I can live up to that; a daunting task to say the least to put that much pressure on myself. Well, like every time I worry GOD performs his miracles and I am blown away by his mercy, his grace and how he works.

The latest edition of the magazine is out and it also premieres the newest publication as a flip cover, which I thought was this great idea which ultimately it was however it came with its own set of trials. When it was finally delivered by air cargo because of missed deadlines, my nerves were all but shot waiting to see the finished product. My printers press broke which meant we had to use a different machine, my cover printed very poorly and the cover model looked as if she was translucent on the glossier paper, we switched out covers. The issue looked great but of course there were or are a few unsatisfied clients out there. This is where I am not a good business woman because I want everyone happy. I struggle with making business decisions and facing dissatisfied clients. I literally lose sleep over it. So yesterday the original cover model was quite upset, I was with my kids and unable to deal with the situation and I got very upset when I heard this voice "Do you trust me?" Which I had to reply "Yes Jesus I do", I have to trust that the decisions we made were the right ones because we don’t do anything personally or professionally without talking it over with the man upstairs but with all the knowledge and experiences I wonder why do I doubt? It is so hard to admit that I doubt but I do. I believe in my father in Heaven, I do trust him but yet I don't because I let the world get in the way, I let life get in the way. My mother-in-law is almost 70 and when the world gets too much and she doesn't trust what she is doing she will literally go to bed until she KNOWS what GOD wants her to do. I have known her to not answer the phone, or come out of her room for a couple of days as she goes into a time of fasting and prayer. Sometimes I wish I could do that but I can't, with kids, a husband and a business, so I get to just pray and be Blessed that GOD knows my heart and that he continues to work on me and show me how he handles things. It makes me think about my own kids and how I have experienced exactly what they are going through but they don't get that I have the answer so I have to wait for them to get it; I guess that’s exactly how God feels!

Be Blessed and remember when all else fails repeat "I trust you Jesus" over and over it does help!

Christmas, a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, a time exchange gifts, a time see family and friends. Oh what joy, right? Every year I notice one thing, how many of my friends are stressed out not just because they blew their Christmas budget but because of family issues. Everyone has that crazy great aunt but more and more and I hear stories about mother-in-laws, parents, siblings and I wonder is it just the Holidays? In my family the Holidays have nothing to do with it. I remember my whole life dreaming of one thing a peaceful Christmas with my family. Last year I shared my favorite Christmas story in a column I write for the magazine and every year I remember that Christmas, one gift was all I received but there was no fighting with anyone. There might have been because I don't remember actually visiting with any extended family, I just remember my mom, dad and baby brother, we could barely eat that year and yet it was and still is my favorite memory.

As a child it was almost like we were on a rotation as to who my parents were mad at, most of the time it was my mother "hurt" and angry by her mother and she competed with her brother for her mothers favor. There were the years though that the conflict would occur between my parents and my dads family, this was always worse because it got very HEATED. I always believed it was everyone else’s fault for hurting my mom, my dad always stood up for my mom and his temper would fly and there would begin the period of "we are not talking to them, and you can't see them". As an adult these patterns never changed, and the incidents have not been confined to just Holidays. It is always a choice my mom or anyone else. It is exhausting, it might be easier to just tolerate the insanity if there was not this invisible layer of competition; my mother competes and you don’t even know the game has started. For me she competes for my children’s attention, she competes for my dad’s attention and fights for my dad to choose her and my brother over me and my family. It is insanity the holidays intensify it and most years I just want to be sick because I know that the Holidays mean a choice, do it mom’s way or face ugly emails, phone calls and now text messages (I still can't believe my mother learned to text). For years we engaged in the behavior while I believed it was my fault, well part of it was, I honestly did not know how to not engage in the insanity but over the last 10 years I have learned that these things are not healthy, for my own children. My brother is an addict who has been in and out of jail and when he is around life is all about him. Now you may read some jealousy in that, I have really looked at that emotion, I don't know that it is jealousy, I do know it is disappointment. He is a violent, scary young man when he is drinking and he refuses to be in my home without alcohol and I refuse to be around him period is he is drinking or using. My mother cries and begs and then gets angry that he has never had the opportunities I have had, he has struggled his whole life because he is Dyslexia and I am stronger, more capable and I need to just le them find his way. I do let him do his own thing, just not around me.

I struggle with this, I pray over this, my heart hurts and Christmas makes me ill, but not this year because there is no question if we will see my parents and my brother, we wont. We won't see them because I set boundaries or as they interpret ultimatums. There will be no fighting, there will be no drinking and no one outside of my home has been able to agree to that this last year so Christmas is coming and no matter how many gifts are under the tree, I look forward to the peace. I used to struggle with that, I felt as if I was committing some kind of betrayal by not wishing to be with my family but Through tons of prayer I finally accepted that my mother gets to be a mom to her son and I get to respect her decisions and choices regarding him even though he is 28 he has never lived away from home except when he was in jail, and I get to be a mom and pray that she can respect my choices. It is a tough a conflicting place to be. I searched for years for the right answer in the Bible, "honor thy mother and Father" and "turn the other cheek" blew my mind. Well finally I was just relieved of the burden of trying to please my mother and filled with the overwhelming sense of need to honor my Heavenly Father and my children, it became an incredible sense of urgency to recreate my family, to protect my children and to show them what a family should look like. I struggled with the fact that it seems that most families have some level of dysfunction but I finally just like everything else had to surrender al of it, if I didn't I was going to pass the family tradition of Fighting, manipulation and anger onto my children instead of a sense of peace, love and joy. This Christmas we look forward to celebrating the REASON for the SEASON. I look forward to peace and contentment, I look forward to indulging in the experience of watching my children not be the pawns in a strategic game and I look forward to knowing my husband does not have to push down his feelings and "suck it up" for me. All families can make us a little crazy but for some of us its a personal journey where you and God alone come to a choice, I really don’t know if there is any right answer, I truly believe it is in surrender, truly believe it is up to God, and our ability to hear him. I think for years he was nudging me to make changes and I wouldn't do it, instead I continued adding to the "bad memories. Now I work building GODLY beautiful spiritual moments centered on the reason for Christmas not the tangible or the materialism, not on someone else emotions. Some may say it selfish, I say its obedience.

Give any turmoil, resentment, hurt, anger or impending Holiday gathering that may be separating you from fully enjoying the season to GOD. Experience Christmas this year free from old feelings, Let it Go, GOD is waiting! Be Blessed

I woke up this morning and launched into prayer, I really want God to answer me but I realized I want him to answer me a certain way so I have to let go and let him do his thing which I have no doubt he will do. I jsut have to be ready when he shows me. It made me think of part of my journey that led me here, part of my story, I thought I would share it this morning.

On January 23, 2007 I woke up and I felt bad, I didn't really have a fever I wasn't really achy I just felt bad, you know those days, the days you want to just climb in bed. My body felt heavier then usual, My head was clouded and no I did not have a hangover, it had already been some time since I had a Drink. So I forced myself to get dressed and head to work. I had been having some helath issues since summer, but today was just different. I was tired, foggy and my tongue felt like I had burned it, my left arm had started to ache. I was driving to work on the highway when my left side began having shooting pains and spasms, my eye twitched but it did it constantly and my toes were twitching, my arm and leg had shooting pains starting in my head shooting down my leg into the twitching little toes. I was bewildered and reached for my drink, my trusted 44 oz Diet coke (I am never without one, LOL) I could not form my lips around my straw and I realized my face was numb. Now I did not say oh WOW this is going ot be fun, NO I FREAKED, I calle dinto work and when I couldn't talk I began to CRY which seemed to make the pains and the loss of feeling in my left side grow worse. By 10 am I could not move my leg, my arm, eat, talk or close my eyes.  I quickly learned that the ability to close your and open your eyes in not a sign of a stroke which I was convinced I was having until the neurologist pointed this out. So what was wrong with me? The search was on to find a diagnosis while I suffered with a foot that felt like it was waking up (EXCRUCIATING after 3 or 4 hours), a hand and arm that barely moved when I told it too, my face looked like I had had a stroke, my eyes had to be taped shut to sleep, and I had terrible shooting pains... DAYS like this, I could not talk, I could not smile I literally had to learn to wait, I also remember being happy, wanting to laugh and smile and not being able to do it. I promised myself then that if I EVER GOT TO SMILE again I would do it all the time, and often I forget that sometimes. I eventually recovered and discovered the culprits behind my health issues but I often say that was truly the beggining of GOD getting my attention, I couldn't talk, walk or BALK at anything so it was me and GOD, my silent prayers and his MORE Then SILENT answers. He began working in me and I really let him... So I have to wait for GOD to answer ... I can't push it... I can't make it happen... So I pray and I wait... I love it, I love that MY GOD teaches me, but more then anything I love when I can say "oh yeah I have been here before, ok I know what I am supposed to do, Give it to GOD, Pray, TRUST in HIM and wait, He has the future!

My last blog entry actually spurred quite a few comments. To those of you who said I was courageous, thank you but I am not, I am truly just ebing obedient. God is so good, so Faithful that my stories, my choices and the mistakes I made are forgiven, I sitll have hope and the promise of Eternity. I have this pretty incredible story, a journey through life and while it would be easy to keep it all to myself I would not be doing what God has called me to do. My life would be in vain and that I do not want, My past is like madals of honor I earned in battle or badges earned in service. I am who I am, I have the most incredible love because of the journey I have. Someone asked me if I would go back and change it, my past and the answer is no, sure there is a part of me that would love to take the hurts I have caused others away but for me personally I would never change it, I wouldn't know what its like to be rescued. I would not have exerienced peeling away reality and falling in Love with my Savior and then experienicng the absolute love of a spouse, I would have missed teaching my children about forgiveness, judgements and unconditional love. If you asked my family you would be shocked at their answer because not one of them would trade the things that happened if it meant that anything about who we are now as a family changed. The boys will tell you already that they have learned what honesty looks like, they know what it means to be accountable for ones actions and they are incredible young men. A friend told me when I started on this journey to restoring the things I thought destroyed she said "You get to be the one to show them what truth looks like" and I have tried everyday to do just that. I would not change a single moment because honestly I can understand women, their hurts, their fears and their hearts because of my journey. I serve a eternal GOD that loves me and he can make anything beautiful and that makes me want to shout from the rooftops!

BE BLESSED!

Today marks a very special day in my life and that of my families. Just three years ago, I was working in corporate America, starting a magazine and fighting God with everything I had. I was convinced that while I knew God was good, faithful, amazing and loving that he was all of those things for the rest of the world; for me I honestly believed I had become the dead forgotten seed. I was a woman who lived in the uncomfortable shell of her own skin, everything I once thought to be true and real about myself was being questioned. I hated myself and believed that God could not forgive me or more like he shouldn't forgive, I believed in my heart that I didn't deserve his forgiveness. I hadn't murdered anyone, stolen or been that terrible but what I had done was after spending a lifetime believing in God, and standing up for what he wanted, I had somewhere through the events of my life said OK I am going to do it my way! I took control of my life but God continued to put amazing people and opportunities in my life, I continued to control them, I grew angry and resentful, bitter and hurtful, I masqueraded through life being whoever I could be to accomplish what I felt I needed to get on the next step of the ladder so to speak. I look back and see God was at work the whole time. About the time I really decided to do it all my way, I took a job in corporate America and there I would work alongside a childhood friend, someone strategically put in my life to remind me of who God had groomed me to be. My friend was someone I shared highly spiritual GOD moving life changing experiences with through our youth group, a constant reminder of who I once was. I tried to pretend but I also liked the new freer side of me, the one who made choices, went out and had a good time. I was whoever you wanted me to be in order to better myself, I was a mom, a wife, a "party girl", a friend, "a party girl", I was everything I thought I ever wanted to be except I was miserable. I weighed just under 300 pounds, I longed for attention, I thrived on picking fights, I pushed my husband away, I prided myself on balancing the never ending lie, I could manage the "good mom" role with "Party girl", I could balance Church girl, with the inevitable late nights, I was an actress, I was playing the part of what ever I directed, I was full of unhealthy thoughts, emotions and most of all I hated myself. I didn't like the reflection that I saw in the mirror and it was always someone else fault, If only he would be nicer, If only they would pay me more money, If only they could see how hard I am trying, If only, if only, if only. The truth was if only I would let God have control again, If only I would surrender my bitterness, my disgust with my self, my selfishness, if only I could find the strength to be honest... PRAISE God I called out to him in a sea of utter hopelessness, half expecting him to say NO you have used up your chances and you are cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven forever... That is not the kind of God we serve, he is loving, forgiving and with open arms he let me fall into him, and God himself picked me up, as I kept my eyes on him he began to rebuild and restore my life. I went to work on me with his help, we peeled back the layers of bitterness, hurt and anger, we looked at my sins, and worked to find ways to ask those I had harmed for forgiveness, I lost weight, I look completely different then I did three years ago, I feel different. Now I cant say that all has been perfect and if you read my blog you know that would be a lie if I even attempted to claim such insanity, but what the last three years have been is this, they have been real, some of the things my family and I have endured are a direct result of those years I pushed God away but I have seen his hand at work in each every circumstance, Some of the events and situations have been God literally cleaning up the mess I had made of my life and that can be painful, what he did do is give me a voice to share my story with others, he has restored my marriage to a place I never even dreamed hearts could love so much, he has given me incredible relationships with my children and he has shown me the meaning of true friendships, he has shown me love, grace and that ultimate freedom is found under his law, being obedient to him and him alone. Life is very different then it was three years ago, it is better, it is joyful. Times are hard, there is so much that is left that I do not know, so much that I am not in control of, more then I could even recount here, I have no idea what tomorrow holds but i do know that he my GOD holds tomorrow and he will provide for me exactly what I need when I need it.

Don't ever let satan steal your joy, your hope your belief in God, don't let him lie to you and tell you that you are the one, the one person that God could not forgive, because that is just his game, I believed that because I knew a personal relationship with my LORD JESUS CHRIST that I was not forgiveable, because I was accountable but the truth is, I was already forgiven, he was just waiting for me to come home, just like the story of the prodigal son, just like any parent that loves their child, no matter how many tears, they shed or angry words are said they are just waiting for their child to come, God is doing the same with us. There is absolutely no mess to big that God can't clean up, there is not a single act on earth that he cant forgive, there is not a single relationship that he can't restore, and their is not a hole big enough that he cant fill, he is just waiting on you so whatever you battle, whatever your hurts are, whatever you think is separating you from the Love of God, give it to him he wants it, the only thing that truly separates us from our Heavenly Father is our own self will, once we surrender we get to bask in the glory of his love, his forgiveness and his ultimate GRACE. Surrender today. GOD BLESS YOU!

So in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping and the only creature that is stirring is me, crazy things happen, like I get work done in the quiet, I get inspiration and God Speaks so loud sometimes I am afraid he may wake up the house. IT is a great time of day or night for me, I love it, I sleep these days so my all-nighters are reserved for right before going to print, deadlines and nights when I just want to write all night. Last night I did it all, I designed, I wrote and I did get inspired, I laughed at myself, I prayed for people I don't even know but most of all I finally did something I have been meaning to do most of my adult life; I read about Literary agents, the pros and cons, what publishers are looking for in a book and how to get a book deal. Funny huh, I own a magazine so I am apublisher, I am the Editor in Chief so I am a Editor, I handle media buys and have even sought publishing for clients so in some ways I am an agent but I don't know how to get a book deal, how to get a book published or where the starting line is, well come to find out I am past the starting line because Don't laugh but I publish myself so I am a considered accomplished. That made me laugh really made me laugh like almost on the floor rolling iwth laughter. I write from my heart and share my life with everyone, so I am not quite sure how that makes me accomplished but according to some site I am So, the point is over the last few years i have written more and more, I have written manuscrips anything from fiction, to inspirational, murder and mystery, non-fiction regarding topics I am both passionate about and not so passionate about. The biggest thing an agent does is keep 15% of your earnings, ok fine by me. Everyone tells me I should write a book, just a book of stories of real events that have happened in my life they have all the elements, laughter, sadness, hapiiness, loss, survival, acceptance, forgiveness, rebuilding, quirky friends, quirkier family members and me; funny. So anyway I did it, I let God nudge me right into reading about it, looking it up and thinking about. Now what to do with the information well that is the true topic for day, what do we do with information once God gives it to us? I have a terrible habit of storing it away, like maybe I will go on a gameshow someday and win a million dollars because I know a little about a WHOLE BIG ENOURMOUS amount of STUFF! LOL So, take me if you go on a gameshow except singing bee, take one of my other friends Crissy, Kristi or call my husbands daughter cuz I CAN't sing unless its with Jackie, ok lost track of myself for a moment there, now remember I have been up all night (wink, wink). So now I have the information, what do I do with it? Like most things I want to put it up on the shelf and wait until GOD knocks me right in the NOGGIN because that way I am sure it is him and not me, with some secret desire to be famous that I am not aware of (I actually don;t want to be famous I had a stalker last year, yeah no fun) so the point is what do we do with the information God gives us and how do we know when its him and not us. Well, for me its usually GOD loud and CLear when I am fighting it, telling him no, why would I tell GOd no if it wasn't him, why would I tell God no anyway, I think I like to be smacked down, because I ALWAYS do it. There are those who claim I am crazy, and I would have to agree in this case crazy because I usually know what he wants but I keep waiting for his will and my will to match up. Too bad he is always waiting on me to figure it out. Like with our children, you know those moments when they keep doing something over and over and over and over again because they dont get it yet and you have to let them fall so they will get it, well thats what God is doing with us, he is waiting for us to decide that his will and our will are the same not his will becoming my will but my will being his will, man that was a mouthful. Improtant lessons. So Today I actually am going to ask you to do something for me, IF you read this pray for me, to know what Gods will is, what the next step is supposed to be and that my will is the same as his will, and since we all probaly agree that my will is different then lets just pray that I accept his will in my life, embrace, celebrate it and use the information to GLORIFY him and HIS KINGDOM! GOD BLESS YOU ALL... 24 days till CHRISTMAS... UGH