Christmas, a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, a time exchange gifts, a time see family and friends. Oh what joy, right? Every year I notice one thing, how many of my friends are stressed out not just because they blew their Christmas budget but because of family issues. Everyone has that crazy great aunt but more and more and I hear stories about mother-in-laws, parents, siblings and I wonder is it just the Holidays? In my family the Holidays have nothing to do with it. I remember my whole life dreaming of one thing a peaceful Christmas with my family. Last year I shared my favorite Christmas story in a column I write for the magazine and every year I remember that Christmas, one gift was all I received but there was no fighting with anyone. There might have been because I don't remember actually visiting with any extended family, I just remember my mom, dad and baby brother, we could barely eat that year and yet it was and still is my favorite memory.

As a child it was almost like we were on a rotation as to who my parents were mad at, most of the time it was my mother "hurt" and angry by her mother and she competed with her brother for her mothers favor. There were the years though that the conflict would occur between my parents and my dads family, this was always worse because it got very HEATED. I always believed it was everyone else’s fault for hurting my mom, my dad always stood up for my mom and his temper would fly and there would begin the period of "we are not talking to them, and you can't see them". As an adult these patterns never changed, and the incidents have not been confined to just Holidays. It is always a choice my mom or anyone else. It is exhausting, it might be easier to just tolerate the insanity if there was not this invisible layer of competition; my mother competes and you don’t even know the game has started. For me she competes for my children’s attention, she competes for my dad’s attention and fights for my dad to choose her and my brother over me and my family. It is insanity the holidays intensify it and most years I just want to be sick because I know that the Holidays mean a choice, do it mom’s way or face ugly emails, phone calls and now text messages (I still can't believe my mother learned to text). For years we engaged in the behavior while I believed it was my fault, well part of it was, I honestly did not know how to not engage in the insanity but over the last 10 years I have learned that these things are not healthy, for my own children. My brother is an addict who has been in and out of jail and when he is around life is all about him. Now you may read some jealousy in that, I have really looked at that emotion, I don't know that it is jealousy, I do know it is disappointment. He is a violent, scary young man when he is drinking and he refuses to be in my home without alcohol and I refuse to be around him period is he is drinking or using. My mother cries and begs and then gets angry that he has never had the opportunities I have had, he has struggled his whole life because he is Dyslexia and I am stronger, more capable and I need to just le them find his way. I do let him do his own thing, just not around me.

I struggle with this, I pray over this, my heart hurts and Christmas makes me ill, but not this year because there is no question if we will see my parents and my brother, we wont. We won't see them because I set boundaries or as they interpret ultimatums. There will be no fighting, there will be no drinking and no one outside of my home has been able to agree to that this last year so Christmas is coming and no matter how many gifts are under the tree, I look forward to the peace. I used to struggle with that, I felt as if I was committing some kind of betrayal by not wishing to be with my family but Through tons of prayer I finally accepted that my mother gets to be a mom to her son and I get to respect her decisions and choices regarding him even though he is 28 he has never lived away from home except when he was in jail, and I get to be a mom and pray that she can respect my choices. It is a tough a conflicting place to be. I searched for years for the right answer in the Bible, "honor thy mother and Father" and "turn the other cheek" blew my mind. Well finally I was just relieved of the burden of trying to please my mother and filled with the overwhelming sense of need to honor my Heavenly Father and my children, it became an incredible sense of urgency to recreate my family, to protect my children and to show them what a family should look like. I struggled with the fact that it seems that most families have some level of dysfunction but I finally just like everything else had to surrender al of it, if I didn't I was going to pass the family tradition of Fighting, manipulation and anger onto my children instead of a sense of peace, love and joy. This Christmas we look forward to celebrating the REASON for the SEASON. I look forward to peace and contentment, I look forward to indulging in the experience of watching my children not be the pawns in a strategic game and I look forward to knowing my husband does not have to push down his feelings and "suck it up" for me. All families can make us a little crazy but for some of us its a personal journey where you and God alone come to a choice, I really don’t know if there is any right answer, I truly believe it is in surrender, truly believe it is up to God, and our ability to hear him. I think for years he was nudging me to make changes and I wouldn't do it, instead I continued adding to the "bad memories. Now I work building GODLY beautiful spiritual moments centered on the reason for Christmas not the tangible or the materialism, not on someone else emotions. Some may say it selfish, I say its obedience.

Give any turmoil, resentment, hurt, anger or impending Holiday gathering that may be separating you from fully enjoying the season to GOD. Experience Christmas this year free from old feelings, Let it Go, GOD is waiting! Be Blessed