Today marks a very special day in my life and that of my families. Just three years ago, I was working in corporate America, starting a magazine and fighting God with everything I had. I was convinced that while I knew God was good, faithful, amazing and loving that he was all of those things for the rest of the world; for me I honestly believed I had become the dead forgotten seed. I was a woman who lived in the uncomfortable shell of her own skin, everything I once thought to be true and real about myself was being questioned. I hated myself and believed that God could not forgive me or more like he shouldn't forgive, I believed in my heart that I didn't deserve his forgiveness. I hadn't murdered anyone, stolen or been that terrible but what I had done was after spending a lifetime believing in God, and standing up for what he wanted, I had somewhere through the events of my life said OK I am going to do it my way! I took control of my life but God continued to put amazing people and opportunities in my life, I continued to control them, I grew angry and resentful, bitter and hurtful, I masqueraded through life being whoever I could be to accomplish what I felt I needed to get on the next step of the ladder so to speak. I look back and see God was at work the whole time. About the time I really decided to do it all my way, I took a job in corporate America and there I would work alongside a childhood friend, someone strategically put in my life to remind me of who God had groomed me to be. My friend was someone I shared highly spiritual GOD moving life changing experiences with through our youth group, a constant reminder of who I once was. I tried to pretend but I also liked the new freer side of me, the one who made choices, went out and had a good time. I was whoever you wanted me to be in order to better myself, I was a mom, a wife, a "party girl", a friend, "a party girl", I was everything I thought I ever wanted to be except I was miserable. I weighed just under 300 pounds, I longed for attention, I thrived on picking fights, I pushed my husband away, I prided myself on balancing the never ending lie, I could manage the "good mom" role with "Party girl", I could balance Church girl, with the inevitable late nights, I was an actress, I was playing the part of what ever I directed, I was full of unhealthy thoughts, emotions and most of all I hated myself. I didn't like the reflection that I saw in the mirror and it was always someone else fault, If only he would be nicer, If only they would pay me more money, If only they could see how hard I am trying, If only, if only, if only. The truth was if only I would let God have control again, If only I would surrender my bitterness, my disgust with my self, my selfishness, if only I could find the strength to be honest... PRAISE God I called out to him in a sea of utter hopelessness, half expecting him to say NO you have used up your chances and you are cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven forever... That is not the kind of God we serve, he is loving, forgiving and with open arms he let me fall into him, and God himself picked me up, as I kept my eyes on him he began to rebuild and restore my life. I went to work on me with his help, we peeled back the layers of bitterness, hurt and anger, we looked at my sins, and worked to find ways to ask those I had harmed for forgiveness, I lost weight, I look completely different then I did three years ago, I feel different. Now I cant say that all has been perfect and if you read my blog you know that would be a lie if I even attempted to claim such insanity, but what the last three years have been is this, they have been real, some of the things my family and I have endured are a direct result of those years I pushed God away but I have seen his hand at work in each every circumstance, Some of the events and situations have been God literally cleaning up the mess I had made of my life and that can be painful, what he did do is give me a voice to share my story with others, he has restored my marriage to a place I never even dreamed hearts could love so much, he has given me incredible relationships with my children and he has shown me the meaning of true friendships, he has shown me love, grace and that ultimate freedom is found under his law, being obedient to him and him alone. Life is very different then it was three years ago, it is better, it is joyful. Times are hard, there is so much that is left that I do not know, so much that I am not in control of, more then I could even recount here, I have no idea what tomorrow holds but i do know that he my GOD holds tomorrow and he will provide for me exactly what I need when I need it.

Don't ever let satan steal your joy, your hope your belief in God, don't let him lie to you and tell you that you are the one, the one person that God could not forgive, because that is just his game, I believed that because I knew a personal relationship with my LORD JESUS CHRIST that I was not forgiveable, because I was accountable but the truth is, I was already forgiven, he was just waiting for me to come home, just like the story of the prodigal son, just like any parent that loves their child, no matter how many tears, they shed or angry words are said they are just waiting for their child to come, God is doing the same with us. There is absolutely no mess to big that God can't clean up, there is not a single act on earth that he cant forgive, there is not a single relationship that he can't restore, and their is not a hole big enough that he cant fill, he is just waiting on you so whatever you battle, whatever your hurts are, whatever you think is separating you from the Love of God, give it to him he wants it, the only thing that truly separates us from our Heavenly Father is our own self will, once we surrender we get to bask in the glory of his love, his forgiveness and his ultimate GRACE. Surrender today. GOD BLESS YOU!