The world is far from perfect and so am I but it still would be nice to live without controversy or trials, or would it? I don't know what the world would be like if we did not have all the trials and tribulations, we are a world of imperfect people, making mistakes, filled with expectations and learning acceptance is the key to true happiness! I am not sure where I am supposed to find the strength to accept certain things but this must be a quest.
As a mother when do you know it is time to let go and let your young take on their own world, when is your child old enough to make a decision regarding who they love, when is it still the right time for a parent to step in and say enough is enough. How do we get through without people standing beside us and how do we make a change when we feel all alone? I think feeling alone might be just a consequence of isolating but the truth is none of us can do any of this alone. We will disagree with others choices and feelings will get hurt, we will be wronged and there will times that doing the right thing brings persecution and disapproval this is the true test of what we are made of. When doing the right thing brings persecution are we strong enough to survive, not compromising who we are for approval! I guess thats how it is with parenting too. I have to do what I believe what has worked till now and know when to pull back, when to let go and when to step in, yet perform the delicate balancing act of not compromising what I know to be true just to find approval in those who bring persecution and controversy!
God Bless have a beautiful day!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Search is on!
THE SEARCH IS ON
I grew up in church, I grew up in a Christian Home but I also grew up with Faith, a general or generic Faith I call it now. I had Blind Faith that God Sent his Son, That I was saved, That there was Heaven and Hell and that I knew right from wrong, follow the ten commandments, and don't ask questions. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS? So no questions and blind faith equaled the spiritual maturity level of the 8 year old little girl who asked Jesus to come and live in her heart when I was pushing 30! I didn't seek answers on my own, I was hungry for something in my life and tried to satisfy that hunger with everything and anything but the one thing that actually would satisfy it THE WORD OF GOD!
Proverbs 2:1-7
My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,
3 and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless
"Store up my commands within you..." Wow I need to store up Gods Word within me, I need to seek his word like I was looking for some great treasure, like a child on a treasure hunt, or like I was in the Movie National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Arc? Gods Word is a treasure and when we seek him how can we find him if we don't even know him? For me, I never questioned his existence but he was like some distant relative that I saw from a distance, I knew he loved me, I knew he sent his son to die for my sins, I knew there was Heaven and Hell but I didn't know him. I didn't know the stories of how he taught his children or how he provided unless it was some great miracle or the flood. I didn't know him.
When we were kids my cousin and I loved to climb on our grandfathers lap so he could read to us, Papa was a big man (not over weight big) But a farmer big, strong and steady, calm and soothing, he tended to each of us just like he tended to his crops, his gardens, He planted seeds, he watered and we grew, the seeds he planted in each of us are still sprouting sprouting some for the first time even over 8 years after his death because he planted, them, and we listened to him and we heard his words and hid them deep within us. It occurred to me that this is what My Heavenly father wants from me and how Blessed I was to have had an actual example. I can curl up and read his story, I can get to know him, I know who he is, I Can learn from the stories he had recorded for us, I can learn and I can hide his command deep within me and I will grow. I can fall in love with JESUS, I can know him, but I have to seek him. I want to know him, I am still hungry but I know that nothing else can touch that thirst or that hunger except getting to know God Fully, falling in Love with him and hiding his commands deep within me. I have searched for wisdom and clarity, I have sought to be Blameless but I couldn't be or have those things because I have not sought to know him fully when that began a new life began and because of the seeds he has sprouted up with in me the only way find my answers is to seek him, to continue falling in Love with him so the Search is on, not for answers for my trouble today, but to know him and to instill in me the commands of his words deep within me so when trouble comes my way I don't need to stop because he will be there in me and my choices will be from knowing his will in my life because I know him, Fall In love with him, if he knows every hair on our head shouldn't we get to know him?
I grew up in church, I grew up in a Christian Home but I also grew up with Faith, a general or generic Faith I call it now. I had Blind Faith that God Sent his Son, That I was saved, That there was Heaven and Hell and that I knew right from wrong, follow the ten commandments, and don't ask questions. DON'T ASK QUESTIONS? So no questions and blind faith equaled the spiritual maturity level of the 8 year old little girl who asked Jesus to come and live in her heart when I was pushing 30! I didn't seek answers on my own, I was hungry for something in my life and tried to satisfy that hunger with everything and anything but the one thing that actually would satisfy it THE WORD OF GOD!
Proverbs 2:1-7
My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,
2 turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,
3 and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,
4 and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,
5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
6 For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless
"Store up my commands within you..." Wow I need to store up Gods Word within me, I need to seek his word like I was looking for some great treasure, like a child on a treasure hunt, or like I was in the Movie National Treasure, Raiders of the Lost Arc? Gods Word is a treasure and when we seek him how can we find him if we don't even know him? For me, I never questioned his existence but he was like some distant relative that I saw from a distance, I knew he loved me, I knew he sent his son to die for my sins, I knew there was Heaven and Hell but I didn't know him. I didn't know the stories of how he taught his children or how he provided unless it was some great miracle or the flood. I didn't know him.
When we were kids my cousin and I loved to climb on our grandfathers lap so he could read to us, Papa was a big man (not over weight big) But a farmer big, strong and steady, calm and soothing, he tended to each of us just like he tended to his crops, his gardens, He planted seeds, he watered and we grew, the seeds he planted in each of us are still sprouting sprouting some for the first time even over 8 years after his death because he planted, them, and we listened to him and we heard his words and hid them deep within us. It occurred to me that this is what My Heavenly father wants from me and how Blessed I was to have had an actual example. I can curl up and read his story, I can get to know him, I know who he is, I Can learn from the stories he had recorded for us, I can learn and I can hide his command deep within me and I will grow. I can fall in love with JESUS, I can know him, but I have to seek him. I want to know him, I am still hungry but I know that nothing else can touch that thirst or that hunger except getting to know God Fully, falling in Love with him and hiding his commands deep within me. I have searched for wisdom and clarity, I have sought to be Blameless but I couldn't be or have those things because I have not sought to know him fully when that began a new life began and because of the seeds he has sprouted up with in me the only way find my answers is to seek him, to continue falling in Love with him so the Search is on, not for answers for my trouble today, but to know him and to instill in me the commands of his words deep within me so when trouble comes my way I don't need to stop because he will be there in me and my choices will be from knowing his will in my life because I know him, Fall In love with him, if he knows every hair on our head shouldn't we get to know him?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Acceptance
Acceptance-
I have always struggled with acceptance and life being all about me, seriously unless it has to do with my kids I want people to see it my way because I often no most of the time I THINK MY WAY IS BEST! As part of my journey I have learned that I am not always right, I have also learned that justification usually means I am wrong. I am a self described "momma Bear" and I will fight for my kids if I believe they are being wronged but I also let them fight for themselves. I believe in the way I have been parenting and think the proof is "in the pudding"as they say as my boys are amazing young men. I struggle with the different ways parents raise their children, it used to be I struggled with families raising their children with out Christ now I struggle with Christian Familes and I think I must be a natural born debater and think I am so persuaisive which really means I am a great manipulater. I think parenting should be my way because I have such great kids, but when I really reflect on that I parent my boys differently. Nicc is my oldest and I can yell at him and bring him to his knees and all it does is make him feel bad so I can talk sternly calmly and effectively and we go far. Collin is my mentally tough little boy meaning he has been a challenge except for the fact that he is a good kid, there are still things I have to really get on him about, he hates yelling and basically I can take everything in the world away from him and he doesn't care (oh he does but he is not going to show you that you might have the upper hand) so with him I have always learned that spending quality time with him and working with him on whatever he needs is effective. I have had 15 years of practice and all I knew when they handed me my baby was all the things I didn't want to do as a parent and that I wanted them to respect me, love me and always know they could be honest with me, somehow we have accomplished that. I am proud of my boys, I dont ground them, I dont beat them, I talk to them and really try to figure out what is going on. I dont use their lives as a weapon. I hated that growing up that everytime their was something big coming up in my life it was always "if you dont do this you wony do that" ugh it was like oh yeah now I can control you, Nicc just does the best he can and is a bit of a "suck up" I think and Collin is more of "Yeah right like me or not I am ok with me" he is a great leader Nicc is a pacifier wanting to keep peace, wanting to be accepted.
So why am I writing this, well they are growing up and I am strugling with the acceptance of how other parent and how it affects my children. Example, my son has fallen in love over the last four months, and I never tell him if he doesnt do something he cant see her, I joke with him that he might be grounded from holding hands or her lips but they can see each other. He has spent all summer trying to help her do what is expected of her instead of griping about it. they have both done a beautiful job, school is starting and they are at different High Schools and as much as they have committed to helping one another before school even starts it seems they are being punished by not being able to see each other, and her parents are hoping that "He is just the weapon they need to get her on the right track academicaly." Ok so I have to accept that they parent however they want and respect that but see I want to see it my way which turns it around and makes it about my son and what he is losing when he done nothing but be PERFECT to a fault. There have been tons of expectations put on him as this beautiful girls boyfriend and he has come to deal with them very well but now I feel as if he is being punished for soemthing I don't understand. the truth is this is about acceptance of the difference in parenting. Acceptance that we do thing sour way and they do things their way and meshing the two together is some kind of harmonious relationship. Well, that leads me to acceptance.
Genesis 4:7If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.
"Job 2:10He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
THese two scriptures say to me that I have to accept. I accept all the Blessings the Lord has for me, I even ask for them but that also means I have to accept the trials that come my way because he is Lord and has Blessed me. It also means that watching my son struglle to do what is right and not be in agreement with the way things are happening now means that he is doing things right or he is at least trying. Not to say the parents are sinning but they have their reasons and those are not for me to know! This is just our life and acceptance is full of unaswered questions and all we get to do is in the Lord and we get to pray for wisdom and acceptance. Simple, not hardly but definitely educational. We never know when we will be validated or receive affirmation for our actions but even as I sit here typing this thought my boys returned from the store with a card "You are my night light" on the front and then both had written me a little note thanking me for all I do but mainly my support. I lvoe who they are and their openess and their ability to show appreciation, and be real with me. I don't know but I think I am doing something right!
I have always struggled with acceptance and life being all about me, seriously unless it has to do with my kids I want people to see it my way because I often no most of the time I THINK MY WAY IS BEST! As part of my journey I have learned that I am not always right, I have also learned that justification usually means I am wrong. I am a self described "momma Bear" and I will fight for my kids if I believe they are being wronged but I also let them fight for themselves. I believe in the way I have been parenting and think the proof is "in the pudding"as they say as my boys are amazing young men. I struggle with the different ways parents raise their children, it used to be I struggled with families raising their children with out Christ now I struggle with Christian Familes and I think I must be a natural born debater and think I am so persuaisive which really means I am a great manipulater. I think parenting should be my way because I have such great kids, but when I really reflect on that I parent my boys differently. Nicc is my oldest and I can yell at him and bring him to his knees and all it does is make him feel bad so I can talk sternly calmly and effectively and we go far. Collin is my mentally tough little boy meaning he has been a challenge except for the fact that he is a good kid, there are still things I have to really get on him about, he hates yelling and basically I can take everything in the world away from him and he doesn't care (oh he does but he is not going to show you that you might have the upper hand) so with him I have always learned that spending quality time with him and working with him on whatever he needs is effective. I have had 15 years of practice and all I knew when they handed me my baby was all the things I didn't want to do as a parent and that I wanted them to respect me, love me and always know they could be honest with me, somehow we have accomplished that. I am proud of my boys, I dont ground them, I dont beat them, I talk to them and really try to figure out what is going on. I dont use their lives as a weapon. I hated that growing up that everytime their was something big coming up in my life it was always "if you dont do this you wony do that" ugh it was like oh yeah now I can control you, Nicc just does the best he can and is a bit of a "suck up" I think and Collin is more of "Yeah right like me or not I am ok with me" he is a great leader Nicc is a pacifier wanting to keep peace, wanting to be accepted.
So why am I writing this, well they are growing up and I am strugling with the acceptance of how other parent and how it affects my children. Example, my son has fallen in love over the last four months, and I never tell him if he doesnt do something he cant see her, I joke with him that he might be grounded from holding hands or her lips but they can see each other. He has spent all summer trying to help her do what is expected of her instead of griping about it. they have both done a beautiful job, school is starting and they are at different High Schools and as much as they have committed to helping one another before school even starts it seems they are being punished by not being able to see each other, and her parents are hoping that "He is just the weapon they need to get her on the right track academicaly." Ok so I have to accept that they parent however they want and respect that but see I want to see it my way which turns it around and makes it about my son and what he is losing when he done nothing but be PERFECT to a fault. There have been tons of expectations put on him as this beautiful girls boyfriend and he has come to deal with them very well but now I feel as if he is being punished for soemthing I don't understand. the truth is this is about acceptance of the difference in parenting. Acceptance that we do thing sour way and they do things their way and meshing the two together is some kind of harmonious relationship. Well, that leads me to acceptance.
Genesis 4:7If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.
"Job 2:10He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
THese two scriptures say to me that I have to accept. I accept all the Blessings the Lord has for me, I even ask for them but that also means I have to accept the trials that come my way because he is Lord and has Blessed me. It also means that watching my son struglle to do what is right and not be in agreement with the way things are happening now means that he is doing things right or he is at least trying. Not to say the parents are sinning but they have their reasons and those are not for me to know! This is just our life and acceptance is full of unaswered questions and all we get to do is in the Lord and we get to pray for wisdom and acceptance. Simple, not hardly but definitely educational. We never know when we will be validated or receive affirmation for our actions but even as I sit here typing this thought my boys returned from the store with a card "You are my night light" on the front and then both had written me a little note thanking me for all I do but mainly my support. I lvoe who they are and their openess and their ability to show appreciation, and be real with me. I don't know but I think I am doing something right!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Where do you go from here?
Ok so there are many times that I ask that question but I do it these days with a loving heart and the desire to seek Gods will in my life, or do I? When I was married the first time (my starter marriage) his aunt used to say that the ultimate use of our "Free Agency" (God's gift of free will) was to surrender it and let God lead us. I like to think I do that but I am still getting in the way of wht God wants me to do, because I doubt myself which in relaity is doubting him. GOd's will in my life is so unclear to me but I know what my will is. Today I again humble myself before my Father in Heaven and ask him to lead me to his will! It is not that I don't believe because I do, I don't doubt that he is there, I doubt my ability to know truth from lies! I doubt myself because I allowed satan years ago to manipulate everything I knew about the Bible, Everything I knew about my faith and let myself believe that it no longer applied to me in fact I convinced myself I had become "the dead forgotten seed..." Now had I become the dead forgotten seed, No but I let myself be convinced that since I knew truth, and I knew the Lord that I was cast out because I did not follow! WOW, now I let that time in my life lead me to doubt! There is a song I love, Lead me to the Cross, Today, I ask that "Father in Heaven, Lead me to the cross. Let me hear your words, let me know your will for my life. Lord help me to know that you will provide, Let me surrender my doubt. Help me break free from the chains of deciet, and Lord give me the strength to right my wrongs and lead me to a place that will allow such things. Lord, give me peace and free me from the bondage of approval. Lord help me to rest in your arms knowing that you are all I need. Let me know when to say no, and Father give me the strength and the clarity needed to know what your calling is on my life! AMEN!
Surrendering my need to be affirmed, appreciated and loved is about the hardest thing I have had to face yet. We all want to be loved, aprreciated but for me I search for it I long for it and I will go to extremes to get it because I need it so much. I know it comes from my family a generational curse passed down, I see it, I know it, but I can't stop it until today and I have no doubt I will struggle many days to lay it down completely but I will never find the affirmation I seek from my mother (that is its own day its own struggle and definetly coming once I search and study Genrational Curses) but I can be healed. Another Song is Healer and I do believe God is my healer. I keep waiting to come to the end of my journey but the truth is now that the scales have fallen from my eyes it just beggining!!
OK, Lets face another day!
Surrendering my need to be affirmed, appreciated and loved is about the hardest thing I have had to face yet. We all want to be loved, aprreciated but for me I search for it I long for it and I will go to extremes to get it because I need it so much. I know it comes from my family a generational curse passed down, I see it, I know it, but I can't stop it until today and I have no doubt I will struggle many days to lay it down completely but I will never find the affirmation I seek from my mother (that is its own day its own struggle and definetly coming once I search and study Genrational Curses) but I can be healed. Another Song is Healer and I do believe God is my healer. I keep waiting to come to the end of my journey but the truth is now that the scales have fallen from my eyes it just beggining!!
OK, Lets face another day!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Whatever
We all say it, but does anyone know what it really means? I didn't until recently. Last year right at the start of a terrible year my best friend gave me a coffee cup that said "WHATEVER" jus the other day I actually looked at the cup and read the bilble Verse associated with "whatever",
Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."
So biblically if we say whatever we are rejecting whatever is not true, noble, just, pure, lovely etc., We are saying no to impurity of the world and promising to to only allow Godly thoughts and actions into our lives. Can you believe that? Talk about changing the meaning of "Whatever". So I won't take "whatever" for granted anymore, when I say it I mean it. I reject the impurity of this world and say I only will allow Whatever is of God in my mind, heart and life!
Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."
So biblically if we say whatever we are rejecting whatever is not true, noble, just, pure, lovely etc., We are saying no to impurity of the world and promising to to only allow Godly thoughts and actions into our lives. Can you believe that? Talk about changing the meaning of "Whatever". So I won't take "whatever" for granted anymore, when I say it I mean it. I reject the impurity of this world and say I only will allow Whatever is of God in my mind, heart and life!
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