Where do you go from here?

Ok so there are many times that I ask that question but I do it these days with a loving heart and the desire to seek Gods will in my life, or do I? When I was married the first time (my starter marriage) his aunt used to say that the ultimate use of our "Free Agency" (God's gift of free will) was to surrender it and let God lead us. I like to think I do that but I am still getting in the way of wht God wants me to do, because I doubt myself which in relaity is doubting him. GOd's will in my life is so unclear to me but I know what my will is. Today I again humble myself before my Father in Heaven and ask him to lead me to his will! It is not that I don't believe because I do, I don't doubt that he is there, I doubt my ability to know truth from lies! I doubt myself because I allowed satan years ago to manipulate everything I knew about the Bible, Everything I knew about my faith and let myself believe that it no longer applied to me in fact I convinced myself I had become "the dead forgotten seed..." Now had I become the dead forgotten seed, No but I let myself be convinced that since I knew truth, and I knew the Lord that I was cast out because I did not follow! WOW, now I let that time in my life lead me to doubt! There is a song I love, Lead me to the Cross, Today, I ask that "Father in Heaven, Lead me to the cross. Let me hear your words, let me know your will for my life. Lord help me to know that you will provide, Let me surrender my doubt. Help me break free from the chains of deciet, and Lord give me the strength to right my wrongs and lead me to a place that will allow such things. Lord, give me peace and free me from the bondage of approval. Lord help me to rest in your arms knowing that you are all I need. Let me know when to say no, and Father give me the strength and the clarity needed to know what your calling is on my life! AMEN!

Surrendering my need to be affirmed, appreciated and loved is about the hardest thing I have had to face yet. We all want to be loved, aprreciated but for me I search for it I long for it and I will go to extremes to get it because I need it so much. I know it comes from my family a generational curse passed down, I see it, I know it, but I can't stop it until today and I have no doubt I will struggle many days to lay it down completely but I will never find the affirmation I seek from my mother (that is its own day its own struggle and definetly coming once I search and study Genrational Curses) but I can be healed. Another Song is Healer and I do believe God is my healer. I keep waiting to come to the end of my journey but the truth is now that the scales have fallen from my eyes it just beggining!!

OK, Lets face another day!