No one can really prepare us for those uncomfortable moments in life, the moments that if left unattended will define us, moments that will change the image of ourselves, moments that can change the uniqueness of your spirit, the moments that can quickly turn into bitterness and anger.

There are times in my life that I reach a point that I am full, not of joy and not of anger I am just simply full, full of so much "stuff" that I don't have any place to put anymore, no more emotion, no more control, no more laughs, no more jokes, no more intelligent conversations... I am simply full and in need of escape, to get to a place where I can let it out. It used to commonly come out with a biting word aimed at someone else but now I am so aware of this flaw that I stuff it down, deep for as long as I can. Last night we attended the birthday of one of my favorite people, one of my favorite families, it is also one of those families where lives have criss-crossed and overlapped and many of those in attendance are my friends... They still are my friends but recent events in my life have made it awkward... Awkward because of a situation, where we were mutual friends and a "disagreement" has occurred, we try to desperately all coexist, but for me this is more then the friend that I am in disagreement with, this is deeper, more hurtful then just a passing argument, this is a disagreement over a perception of a betrayal or burdening situation directed at me but the reality is it hurt my husband, my children,  It was gut wrenching, painful and mind boggling to stand in a room where you know these friends have listened to lies about you, and you know because there have been multiple confirmations of discussions regarding the situation, my younger children have been been hurt  and yet I stood, i stood in a room and pretended that all is fine, that it is possible to all still be friends, and it is it is more then anything just painful, painful most of above all else my husbands heart is broken.

It is painful because in this environment there is no transparency and if you actually know me, if I let you in, then I hide nothing, but yesterday I was a shell of myself, a person who pretended because I loved the birthday girl so much that I was there, I stuffed and pretended, I silently prayed and felt awkward when something escaped my mouth that was wrong or that could be repeated. After a few hours I was about to burst into tears, not being able to take it anymore, the charade was over for me, I tried to escape for an hour, I told my husband that I had a great deal to do and asked him to run me home, my sweet husband is still not used to a wife that would rather retreat then defend, a wife that prefers the quiet of her home verses the hustle and bustle of people, For him he waits, he believes in honor and the stand, the stand of moving forward, he is the ultimate example of not letting bitterness grow, a text book example of standing through a decision, a careful choice made through prayer, and careful personal reflection, a simple disection of a situation in which he made a choice to not only teach discipline yet demonstrate love and protection of the family that lives under his roof, another second chance if his prayerful and simple guidelines are met.

I know these hurts will fade over time because every one of these beautiful people share one thing... The love of OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, we will in time move on and the silence, the awkwardness will get easier, we will heal and lies will fade, and I will rebuild what has been destroyed through Grace, I wonder though how do I quickly forgive?

There is nothing worse then seeing your husbands heart break, nothing more painful then seeing your children cry,. The only thing more painful, is pretending it isn't happening, that you were not betrayed, and when you do try to pretend that all is well, to fail and need to escape. God is working on my hurt, and Satan is too. Satan tries everyday to turn the utter heartbreak into bitterness, and I fight it, I am though one of those people that really can't pretend very well, so when the world presses in on me, I run, I run to a place where it can be just me and God, so I can talk to him, and let my tears fall freely, because bitterness is not an option for me, my pain has always led me to something beautiful, but this time it is not just my pain I fight the root of bitterness it is my husbands, my children's. I have to give it to GOD, and find a way to exist in world where I understand lies have been told, I have to hold my head up high and believe that there is a reason for it all, I have to learn that sometimes you can't defend your family or protect them from the pain handed to them by others, we are all human, Sometimes getting in the way and trying to defend is actually getting in the way of something God may be teaching you and your loved ones. Me, my job is to pray, for forgiveness, to pray for protection against bitterness, to pray that my children are resilient, to pray that my husband is not forced to continue the choice between family and those relationships that have chosen to distance themselves verses "working-it-out". I can't defend him, I can't fight for him because the reality is that is what got us here to begin with. Through Christ all things are possible so I have to believe that in time it will heal, is just another weapon Satan uses to brew bitterness the very thing that got us to this point. For me too, it has forced me to see things differently, I have many times over the years disagreed and I have rejected choices of those around me and punished them through my choice of "cutting them off at the knees" so to speak, so now on the other side of that kind of hurt I realize that Satan can not win, God has to prevail, so there is a delicate and prayerful choice to be made in which I must learn to stand through the fires, and trust that God will bring me through.

With the Holidays coming I share this because bitterness and hatred are tools of Satan's trade, and hearts can't beat to full capacity with the roots of such tangled and twined around our hearts. Christmas is 25 days away, I pray that for all of us, we think of the miracle and reach out and give forgiveness to someone love and be loved in return.! If Christ was born to die for our sins so that we could have eternal life did he not also demonstrate what forgiveness is, he says that we are to turn the other cheek 70 times 7 now secretly I calculated that that is only 490 passes on forgiveness but I also know that was an infinite number imagine if God Walked around with a tally and after just 490 sins we were out, doesn't leave much room for hope does it? So, simply put bitterness can not take root, Forgiveness must be given even before it is asked for. GOD BLESS!

Daily Scriptures from Bible Gateway
Matthew 5:39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.Matthew 5:38-40 (in Context) Matthew 5 (Whole Chapter)
Luke 6:29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.