Regret

I have been thinking about movies, songs, poetry and other literary works as they relate to love, life and regret. We have all done something we are not proud of, hurt people we love and have some regrets, well at least I do. Because of who I am and things I have been taught I am fairly quick to admit that I am wrong but sometimes that is not enough. Neither is an apology, begging, pleading or anything else, sometimes we simply hurt those we love too much. Movies, songs poetry they all give us a sense of some great story where ultimate forgiveness is always found in the end. True love always wins out or good always conquers evil or even better from Love Story, "love means never having to say you are sorry..." If that is true I am in big trouble and I bet lots of you will be left with me bewildered at the simplest act that required an "I'm sorry". Dirty Dancing Jennifer Grays character says to her father in a monologue "if you love me like you say you do then you have to love all of me..." so which is it? Is love never disappointing or is it the simple truth that we do have to accept and love all of the other person? As a mother I can't imagine my child ever doing something so horrific that I could quit loving them, but other relationships are not so easy. Expectations, hurt, sorries, regret and loss are part of the price we take for risking our hearts. I used to think this was a risk we only took in romantic love but the truth is I have discovered to build any kind of a relationship with another human being we are putting ourselves at risk. I wish I could say its not worth it but like the 90's Garth Brooks song "The Dance" I Could have missed the pain but I'd had to missed the dance" I would prefer having the memory of the dance, or as Julia Roberts said in Steele Magnolias "I would rather have five minutes of passion then a lifetime of nothing"! I think we would all like to avoid the pain and the loss but what about the stuff in between? I would never want to have missed one moment of the laughs, the love, the warmth or the safety of a place that called me home like a beacon in the night, where when I laid my weary head down I knew I was safe, loved and precious. What about when you are the one that inflicted the pain or caused the end to come? I have a habit of reacting instead of taking action and sometimes the reaction cost me greatly. I have written alot this last year about it being my year of loss and the pain associated with that. I was recently given the opportunity to actually renew one of those lost relationships and I allowed my past my fear, my insecurities, my need to be in control to rob me of this second chance or in this case maybe the 20th chance. the truth is I have to learn from it. what do I learn? What did I learn? The past has alot more precious and treasured memories then those few bad that I am allowing to mold me, If I don't let the bad part of my past go I will continue hurting and restoration will not happen. The next time I have a chance to repair a relationship I better have my house in order or another chance will pass me by because my hurts and fears will be in control which really means I am in control not God. I keep learning and I keep coming back to the same place on my knees at the cross. He is faithful and he is my restorer, my healer and its time to let him heal me all of me. The past is to be learned from, the good things are to be treasured and the love we experience along the way are like precious jewels we keep close to our hearts but when we let regret, fear and insecurities control our past everything precious will be turned to a weapon and you only build more regrets and stockpile more pain. Instead its time to let go, and surrender and no matter what I may have lost what really matters now is the stuff in between. The love I had, the precious memories made along way and the only regret I can have at this point is if this time wasn't enough to stop the insanity, if this time the loss isn't enough to bring me to my knees and surrender. I have had enough pain and I think surrender is the way to go. So no matter how much I think my heart might really break, or how big the hole might be in my heart it will be much bigger if I don't change, because the only regret truly can only be if I make the same mistake again. I love the song Healer, "I believe you are my healer" So I raise up my hands and praise him through the pain and believe that my pain will be healed, even if it was self inflicted.

God Bless!